Star Wars Fan Still Lives With Parents

Raul Kemp
Reporter

This week, The Monocle Press has discovered a lifelong Star Wars fan currently unemployed and living with his parents.  Six year old Amos Brendan has been reportedly crashing at his Mom and Dad's place and not at all ashamed of his current situation.

"It's really not that bad," defends Amos, "I get to spend all of my money on cool Star Wars toys, I watch Star Wars every day, and I get a free place to live. What's not to love? I have a whole collection, gross girls leave me alone, and I can even sing the Imperial Death March "

No matter how much ridicule his classmates and coworkers pile on him, Amos doesn't seem to be phased by the fact that he still lives under his folks' roof and has to live by their rules as long as he wants to continue this obsession. Statistics show that as much as 11 percent of male Star Wars Fans grow up to continue to live at the house, while only 89 percent graduate, get jobs, and find their own place to live.

Bachelor Star Wars Fan Plays With Toys At Parents' House

Even his mother is a little unsure of the first grader's lifestyle. "I make his meals, I do his laundry, and I kiss his boo-boos, all so he can do his Star Wars stuff," explains Mommy Sally Brendan. "He's never had a job, and he leaves messes everywhere, but Star Wars seems to be his true calling, so I guess the family is going to support him."

Despite the toll this habit has taken upon his personal life, Amos plans to continue in this cycle of boyish toy-playery. Piggy bank records show that the youngster has spent his past three allowances on Star Wars related entertainment, and his play dates have decreased dramatically due to the fact that Amos will only attend parties or gatherings with a specific Star Wars theme.

In addition, Father Nate Brendan has shown unwavering support his firstborn regardless of numerous bruised fingers and poked eyes resulting from light saber duels and Star  Fighter battles. "The rewards outweigh the pains for sure," assures Nate. "The joy it brings him to swing those hard plastic swords and throw those rigid planes truly is a gift."

At press time, Amos had no plans to move out of his parents' house. According to him, the deal is just too sweet, and he would miss his Mommy and Daddy.

Lance Armstrong Found Guilty Of Riding A Bike Well Into His 40's

Chickens Boycott Chick-Fil-A

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In response to the controversial statements from the CEO of Chick-Fil-A regarding the fact that he gives a shit what gay people do,  chickens nationwide are turning their backs on the fried food chain. Gina Benson, the head of the Union of American Chickens, gave a press conference today and explained the species' position.

"Due to the recent quotes from headquarters, we, here at the UAC, will be forced to protest Chick-Fil-A restaurants across the nation," said Benson. "We will no longer strive to give them the healthiest, tastiest carcasses and/or embryos we, as chickens, can provide. We felt fine giving our lives for their profits, but if they want to have their own opinions, and express them out loud, then that's where we draw the line. That's just unacceptable."

The birds have apparently banded together in support of equal rights, for both humans and chickens, and have given generous contributions to these causes, as well as breast and thigh cancer research. There are reported to be over 50 million chickens in America, 98 percent of whom produce both eggs and delicious white and dark meats.

If the two sides can't come to an agreement, this action could affect markets all over the United States. 93 Percent of all eggs sold come from chickens, making them the most popular layers in the country. If those eggs aren't readily available, the effects of this dispute could be felt by everyone from Shoney's buffet patrons to Easter enthusiasts to Italian Stallions in training.

Chickens protest in the streets of America

However, some of the feathered foul aren't as quick to disagree.

"I think we had a pretty good thing worked out with those Fil-A guys. They feed us and let us party for a year or so and then we get made into delicious food. It's a win win situation. Do you know how much great food I got to eat, or how many hens I got to bang?  I tell ya, it was the best year ever. I'm really gonna miss that life", lamented local frat-rooster Jeremy Reece from his single square foot cage. He is scheduled for the chopping block this weekend, unbeknownst to him, in preparation for a barbeque at the lake.

In response to the response, there have started to be grass roots  movements within the younger chicken community pleading with the uptight foul to just chill out and live life to the fullest. Lay-Ins have been staged in coops around the nation, car wash fund raisers have been thrown, and benefit concerts have been played, all showing contempt for the opinionated grown ups.

The Chicken's Union head says that this aggression will continue until the company shuts up and minds its own business, which is making sub par dry chicken sandwiches and waffle fries. Another acceptable solution would be the local news channel's future refusal to report the political and religious views of fast food jockeys. At press time, no agreement had been reached and the protests were still underway.

Chick-Fil-A Defends Lack Of Mayonnaise

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a statement released earlier today, Chick-Fil-A Ceo Dan Cathy has come out in defense of his company's refusal to include mayonnaise on their most popular sandwich. This stance has caused quite an uproar among the fast food community, garnering loads of customer mail and viral response.

"We live in a country that allows us to put whatever we want on our sandwiches," claims Cathy. "Our company is based on family values and conservative beliefs and mayonnaise just doesn't fit in with the way we want to run our business." The corporation has long been known for their convictions, such as being closed on Sundays, and only serving special "Chick-Fil-A Delicious Sauce" on the side.

Condiment's rights activist Suni Paxton is outraged by the fast food company's outrageous position, stating that a crispy chicken sandwich is "right where mayo should be".

"You're trying to tell me that two pieces of bread, a slab of chicken, and a pickle slice constitutes a sandwich? Everyone knows that a dry sandwich is unacceptable. Don't try to push your beliefs on me. I should have every right to slather on whichever condiment I see fit," Paxton said in her own impassioned response. She has partnered with the Coalition for the Advancement of Condiments and Other  Dressings, or CACOD, to organize an nationwide strike of the once popular food chain.

"We know it may be an unpopular stance", defends Cathy, "but we feel that we have to stand behind what we believe in, and that is dry chicken."

When reached for comment, Hardees/Carl's Jr. CEO Mark Ruffeld said, "We respect everyone's right to serve or not serve whatever they like. We however believe in supporting all condiments, be they white, yellow, red, or a creamy orange mix."

At press time, Ketchup was offered for the waffle style french fries, but customers using the red sauce continue to be under close watch.

Training Wheels Come Off

Raul Kemp
Reporter

After the first dozen stages of the Tour De France, 10 year old Canadian cyclist Pierre Demit finally feels comfortable enough to take his training wheels off. Although there is no official rule against "balance enhancement accessories", or B.E.A's, the World Cycling Partnership is encouraging this move.  Most cycling experts predict this will improve his performance.

"I got my tight spandex outfit, I got my space age wind tunnel helmet, and I got my speedy sunglasses. Now without those training wheels, I'll be able to zoom right through France," commented Pierre as he inserted an ace of spades into his rear spokes. The young athlete began learning to ride his bike at the end of last summer, with all of the essential safety equipment. The training wheels were a necessity before, "but not now," exclaimed Demit, "I can do it all by myself!"

There was some concern earlier this year when Pierre had a crash, jeopardizing his chances of  competing in the 2012 tour with a severely skinned knee. The youngster was involved in a multi-bike accident in a neighborhood race and received a strawberry so big, it needed two band-aids. He admits that he's trying to be brave, even though he's a little scared.

"That man's a hero," declared local cycling enthusiast Ray Bowman. "With all he's been through, he still is able to muster up enough courage to compete in this grueling bike race. Just remarkable, really." 

After the accident, Pierre started training in his subdivision. He would ride down to the clubhouse, around the pool, and back to his house. He even trained at night after he got a headlight for his birthday. Now, after months of rehab and hard work, he feels like he's finally ready to take off the training wheels and mature into a real cyclist.

The tour is scheduled to continue on through the middle of the streets of France for another few days. Demit's B.E.A. removal leaves only 9 remaining training wheel users, all of whom are still getting the hang of riding a two wheeler. Pierre is said to be planning an ice cream party at the finish line.

Man Wants White, Gets Black (On Location)

Raul Kemp
Reporter

This happened.

Tonight I headed down to the Melrose Pool Hall to drink some beers and watch Johnny Neel and the New Situation play some songs. Every time I go to this place, I have a small gimmer of hope that I might run into local rock mega bad ass Jack White. It's well known around town that he likes to hang out at this little dive, and I'd love to ask him who the Milk Man is. I figure this may be my best chance to run into my hero, even though rock stars pop up around every corner in this town.

 During the set break, I looked over and saw a familiar face. I asked a friend, "Is that the Black Keys drummer? Or just another East Nashvillian who came across the river with his Steve Urkell glasses and his grandfather's old hat to shoot some pool in the coolest hang in all of town, East or West?" Word on the street was that they had played a show at the Springwater, the other shadiest bar in town, for a video shoot earlier today. Could it be he just needed a little bit more of the common man?  Turns out, yes, it was a Black Key, the drummer I think.

I watched him linger around and then I went back to watching the show, until the night's first call from nature came. An urgent call, one I had been avoiding for as long as I could. As I did the business in the one-seater with the door locked, I heard the line beginning to form outside and the waiters starting to get impatient. I realized this was taking an extra long time, and made a note that I would apologize to whomever was next in line for the extreme duration of my relief. As I hastily skipped the hand wash, I opened the door, and who was standing there but that really tall lanky famous Black Key. As I promised myself I would, I said to him, "Sorry dude, you just waited on the world's longest pee." He shrugged and murmured.

Fast forward, an hour. In enjoying the show thoroughly, I had procrastinated my functions to red alert once again. When I arrived at the watering hole, there was no line, but shortly thereafter, another line stander pulled on the locked door. When I finally finished, I swiftly opened the door only to find the same damned drummer standing there, leaning on one long jangly leg and biting his lip. I erupted with a "HA" and told him, "Sucks we're on the same pee schedule. I'm settin' records tonight." He chuckled, said "Yeah", and rushed inside.

Upon my subsequent return to the can, I saw my pee pal exiting, clearly relieved he had beaten me to the flush finally. We did lock eyes though, and that eye lock said it all.

 

Predators Fans Targeted By Anti-Bullying Group

Raul Kemp
Reporter

After the conference semi-final game 3 in Nashville Wednesday night, an anti-bullying group is targeting Nashville fans for their abuse of the Phoenix Coyote players. The Center For Defense Of The Weak And Pitiful has issued a statement reprimanding the 7th man at Bridgestone Arena for their relentless taunts and jeers aimed at the defenseless Phoenix players.

"It's just not right," commented Pierce Stoller, a spokesman for the CFDOTWAP. "Those poor Coyote players don't deserve that kind of treatment. They have feelings too, and they're doing the best they can."

Coyote team counselor Tammi Wideman is concerned over her workload in the coming week. "Shane Doan is going to need dozens of hugs, and Martin Hanzal, even though he's so hot right now, is going to be inconsolable." Wideman was also worried that if the taunts continue in game 4, the Coyotes will never be the same. "This type of abuse could change a young team forever."

Perhaps the most shaken Coyote will be goaltender Mike Smith. The fans in "Cell Block 303" spent the majority of the game reminding Smith that he sucks and that the resulting goals were "all his fault". "I know they are just words," cried Smith, "but they still hurt. How could fans be so mean? I'm only human."

Even the game's referees Jordi Miren and Sam Lucci weren't safe from the crowd's attacks. Boos and "Ref You Suck!" chants rang through the arena constantly as the poor officials could only hang their heads and try to remember their mothers' advice to the contrary.

Stoller has organized a campaign to boycott the Predators fans for Friday night's game 4. "This kind of bullying will not stand, and I, along with the CFDOTWAP will do everything we can to let the Coyotes know that they are just as special as the Predators, and they are winners no matter what happens."

Pekka Rinne To Face Red Wings Alone

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a press conference Wednesday, Coach Barry Trotz has revealed his game plan for Friday's game 5 against the Detroit Red Wings. The unprecedented strategy will pit goaltender Pekka Rinne against the Wings all by himself.

"We looked at the film from the past couple of games," said Trotz, "and we decided, hell, if we're not gonna shoot the puck, we might as well not even be out there. Let's face it, Pekka has won these games pretty much without any offensive support, so we'll just let him do it his way."

The Predators are ahead in the series 3-1, and believe this next game will be a good time to rest the team. "We believe in Peks," noted goaltender Coach Mitch Korn. "We all know he's the reason we are where we are. The playoffs are hard, and the guys are tired, so we figure we will let him stop a couple hundred shots for 58 minutes, then score one when they pull their goalie."

After turning in several periods in which the Predators failed to put more than five or six shots on net, the team feels like if they just stay out of Rinne's way, he can pull out the win alone.

When asked for his opinion on the situation, Rinne replied "Um, Ok. Wait, what?"

Predators Crush Red Wings In Game 2

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In game 2 of the NHL Western Conference Quarterfinals Friday night, the Nashville Predators completely crushed the Detroit Red Wings in a "who can pass it around more" contest. The Preds proved to the nation that in the pointless passing department, they are kings.

In a show of passing genius, the Predators made over 600 passes, including 368 power play passes. They only paused to put four shots on goal during a half dozen man advantages, and somehow managed to score two goals. If they counted incomplete and intercepted passes, Nashville would have certainly broken numerous records.

In a post game interview, Head Coach Barry Trotz seemed proud of his team. "I'm happy with the way we played tonight. We didn't score many goals, but I think our passing is right where it needs to be. I definitely believe we can out-pass the Wings in this series. If we just stay with our system and pass the puck around, we'll be alright."

With world class passers such as David Legwand and Martin Erat, the Predators are on pace to out-pass every single team in the first round of the playoffs. Legwand led the league in total passes in the 2012 regular season, and Erat had 1473 power play passes this year, also number one in the NHL. Not to mention team Captain Shea Weber, who clocked the league's fastest pass, registering over 100 miles per hour.

When asked about what to expect for game 3, Coach Trotz said there would hours of work on the penalty kill and more focus on their dumping and chasing. Forward Colin Wilson is expected to be listed as a scratch for Sunday's game, with coaches continuing to worry about his over-shooting.

Producer Produces Produce (News Flash)

Raul Kemp
Reporter

Nashville Music Row Producer Slim Jonas has successfully propagated and harvested four tomato plants this year. In a raised 8'x8' garden bed behind his East Nashville home, Slim cultivated over a dozen delicious fresh tomatoes. "I make music, I make hits, and now, I make savory produce", Jonas grinned as he held his bounty. "I think this summer, I might try growing some beans, or peppers. Mmm, that sounds good." At press time, the producer was planning a fresh tomato basil pasta dish, and maybe some BLTs for lunch with his wife.

Beans Proven Not Musical Fruit

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a recent study published by the National Institute of Natural Bodily Reactions, beans have been proven to not indeed be the "musical fruit". After extensive research, beans have now been labeled as the "musical legume."

"This misnomer has been around for years," informed Professor Malcom Bezwell. "We all know the rhyme, but really, beans are not a fruit at all. Actually, you could call grapes or strawberries the musical fruit. Those are actually fruits."

When reached for comment, Beans were said to be relieved to finally disprove the little saying. "All this time, we knew we weren't a fruit, but we went with it because it was such great advertising. Now that it's out in the open, we can go on with our lives. I guess we should change the saying to beans, beans, the musical legume. The more you eat, the more you fume."

In addition to disproving the longstanding beans rumor, the NIONBR is looking into the falsehoods including pants catching on fire due to lying, and nana nana boo boo causing one to stick one's head in doo doo.

U.S. Seeks Part Time Job

Raul Kemp
Reporter

This week, facing numerous bills and late notices, the United States has decided to go out and get a part time job. With debts and outstanding balances in the trillions, the U.S. hopes that a little extra income will help out.

With a resume that includes hosting, conquering, willy-nilly spending, and bi-partisan bickering, the greatest land in all the world is hoping to qualify for numerous positions. "They're hiring at Target," the once rich country lamented, "I guess I could be a cashier, or maybe I could wait tables down at Ruby Tuesday's."

After years of irresponsible financial squandering, the invoices, late notices, and even liens have started to pile up. Countries such as China and Russia have started to put pressure on the land of the free to at least start a payment program to bring these balances closer to good standing. Even America's hat, Canada, has started to make uncomfortable comments towards the debt.

"I mean, they owe us billions of dollars, and yet here they are going out to sporting events, eating fancy meals, and buying expensive cars. If they can afford all that, then surely they can afford to pay us back," commented an obviously irritated Canada. "They need to get a job."

The U.S. hopes that by growing up a little and showing some responsibility, it might gain back some respect from the rest of the world. "It will be nice to have a little income, even though having to work sucks. I hear the bowling alley is hiring. That might be fun."

At press time, the United States is hoping for at least ten bucks an hour, and will reportedly only be available Monday thru Thursday evenings.

BRAVO Announces Reality Show About Reality Show

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a recent press release, executives at BRAVO have announced that they will be pursuing a reality based show called "Reality Show." Press Correspondent Connie Sherman said that "the idea of a show where camera crews follow camera crews who are filming another show would double output, as well as continue to deliver the high quality programming we strive to provide."

"Nothing creates more drama than surly camera guys, 20 hour work days, and uptight producers," reported Sherman, who added, "This was just too good to pass up."

While the benefits of filming two shows at a time are obvious, producers were concerned with the possibilities of spilling too many of the "Reality Show" industry secrets such as staged segments and coerced confessionals.

"There are a lot of things we don't necessarily want the public to see, as far as behind the scenes goes. This could expose a lot of dirty tricks that most people don't know about. We might end up totally destroying the reality show genre," reported Director of Photography Mack Shane. "That could be interesting."

Concerns aside,this achievement marks the first time two separate shows have simultaneously been recorded. The Center For American Television Information Research Control concluded that studies proved no other programs had ever been produced in unison. According to the nerds at the CFATIRC, this is "a pretty fuckin' big deal."

"Reality Show" has been signed for its first 12 episodes and is set to premier in the fall rotation of 2013. However, Bravo suits are still believed to be searching for the other show, referred to as "the base". Insiders say the base may or may not include "a Hilton, a Kardashian, a Situation, a housewife, an auction, dancing, dating, drinking, a dozen kids, the police, a pawn shop, motorcycles, gay fashion designers, chefs, cakes, tow trucks, dog trainers, singers, fisherman, one great big awesome house, and/or Corey Feldman." The search evidently continues.

NBA Jealous Of NCAA

Raul Kemp
Reporter

This week, as the NCAA March Madness festivities begin, the NBA has been found sitting in a corner pouting over the lack of attention it has received. The poor league is upset that, in the midst of its playoff push, no one really gives a damn who wins between the Oklahoma Thunder and the Miami Heat.

"We're here too ya know, the NCAA isn't the only basketball around", cried the Heat, who were sniffling and wiping their eyes as the college teams got all the attention. "It's just not fair."

In an attempt to compete with March Madness, the NBA has decided to incorporate such promotions as "Big Ball Night", "February Foul-a-Thon", and "Time Out Fest", all of which have failed miserably in attempts to draw viewers away from the national tournament.

When reached for comment, the NCAA replied, "This is our time. We have 10,574 teams, and we need to see which one can end up randomly at the end. The only way to do this is to spend a month, in addition to our full season, finding out which one team is the absolute best. We can't help it if no one cares about the NBA during this time, maybe they should change their formula."

In response, the NBA cried, "It's just not fair. Who would ever watch the June Jubilee or the Tremendous Thirty? What are we supposed to do?"

The only other possible remedies appear to be either banging a Kardashian, or sending NBA players back to college to drum up interest in the asinine association. At press time, such stars as Kobe Bryant and that Lebron character have enrolled in college for the first time with hopes of drawing more attention to their lifeless league. Attempts have also been made at getting Kim Kardashian's number.

Fast Food Fish Found Most Meat-Like

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a scientific study completed earlier this week, the product packaged as fish in most fast food restaurants was found to be most comparable to meat. The research compared beef, chicken and fish, and found the contents of the McFish, the Fish Sandwich, and the King Fish to be most meat-like.

The Center For Dietary Achievement And Ethical Consumer Information (CFDAAECI) recruited the top professors, doctors, and fast food authorities to lead the investigation into what really is going into these sandwiches we all love to eat and depend on for proper nutrition. The team worked around the clock for weeks and made some startling discoveries.

The "beef" samples were reported to contain traces of tree bark, brick, and dog food. Small amounts of motor oil were also found. In addition, the "chicken" samples allegedly contained large doses of cardboard, sawdust, and recycled water bottles. The "fish" on the other hand was composed mostly of Grass Carp, while still a disgusting product, technically a fish.

The CFDAAECI is currently working to advance legislation requiring fast food establishments to display a small, black and white flier with unreadable print containing the molecular buildup of the meat they are selling. Managers nationwide plan to locate the flier at the end of the counter next to the "Employees Must Wash Hands" sign.

Guy Pretends To Give A Shit

Raul Kemp
Reporter

Last night, on a sidewalk downtown, local bar patron Jerry Meskew sat and pretended to be interested while the cute girl he was smoking with talked continuously for a long time. Through a series of sensitive nods and humorous interjections, Meskew really made it look like he gave a shit.

While the man was generally glad to be spending time with such an attractive lady, it really took some will power to fain interest in her stories of past boyfriends, job woes, and trials of home ownership. As the hottie went on and on about the long terrible day she was having, Meskew sat and listened quietly and hoped she might go out with him someday. "I don't talk to many girls, so when they just start blathering on, it makes the conversation that much easier. Plus it leaves less room for me to say something stupid."

32 year old Carrie had reportedly just had a rough day, and simply needed someone to vent to. "My water heater's broke, my ex sent me a mean text message, my yard's all overgrown, I lost money at work, my parents are coming to visit for a whole month, this creepy guy tried to hit on me, my cat won't stop puking, my car has a funny smell, I dropped my cell phone in a bowl of chili, one of my eyes hurts, my best friend's pregnant, I have to get my taxes done, I'm having lady troubles, I always date the wrong kind of guys, my bank is closed on Monday for some reason, there's a bulb out on one of my porch lights, I have this weird bump on my shin, my sister won't do the 5k run with me, the weather is uncomfortable somehow, I left my Chapstick at the mall, oh my God, you're such a good listener", she said as her fellow smoker raised his brow intently.

Although it is doubtful that Carrie will ever see Mr. Meskew again, she allegedly appreciated his listening skills. "It's hard to find a guy who just wants to listen. Most guys just sit there and think about banging you while you talk," the young lady complained.

For the record, in addition to appearing to give a shit, Jerry was just sitting there thinking about banging her while she talked.

Canadian Mobster Not A Good Mobster

Raul Kemp
Reporter

According to a recent New York City poll, Jimmy "The Moose" Adams is the worst mobster involved in organized crime today. In an overwhelming majority, those polled listed the native Canadian as the least intimidating, most worthless Made Man in the entire country.

Upon arriving in New York in 1998, The Moose aspired to start his own crime family, and "run those worthless Italians and Russians right out of town." He set up shop in Times Square and before long was conning tourists out of their lemonade money. Within a two years, he had control of every hotdog stand in the area, or so he thought.

Local vendor Tony LaRone recalls a different scenario. "The Moose? Isn't that the guy who used to threaten me with a rolled up newspaper if I didn't pay him off? Yeah, right. I squirted some mustard on his shirt and he ran away yelling something French. I thought he was kidding."

Born in Edmonton in the 60's, Adams was the son of a ice farmer. He always had dreams of leaving the snow behind and making a new life for himself. After being influenced by Johnny Depp's performance in "Donnie Brasco", he dubbed himself "The Moose" and headed for the big city. He had some moderate early success importing Labatt's beer, but since the turn of the century, Adams has fallen even further down the organized crime chain. Now, over 25 years later, he is the apparent laughingstock of the neighborhood.

"Anyone that likes their kneecaps better give me what I want, eh?" threatens the denim covered goon. Although he talks tough, Adams has never so much as skinned anyone's knee. His worst transgression was the time he poured chocolate milk on an old lady who refused to pay to use his crosswalk. Most of the small business owners in the district know The Moose as "that guy with the high pitched voice who keeps coming in asking for free stuff".

"He's got it all wrong", says local soap shop owner Lisa Parnell. "Why would I pay him? He never does anything and I'm certainly not intimidated by his ownership of hot coffee, nor his knowledge of how to use it."

The Moose has decided that if things don't pick up in the next year, he's going to move his operation to a smaller market. "I don't know, maybe Memphis or Philadelphia. Those towns don't seem to have much crime. I bet I could clean up there."

When reached for comment, the FBI didn't appear the slight bit interested.

Man Marries Pretty Cool Girl

Raul Kemp
Reporter

Ashley Perkins was one lucky lady when she met Chance Bradley at late one night at an IHOP after a Widespread Panic concert in 2010. "He was nice and he bought me a couple milkshakes and we smoked a joint in his car," she says. "We saw each other around town after that, and quickly became friends. We were "attached at the hip". That was our little thing. Then, at his 22nd birthday party, we banged."

After just a few short months, the young couple was deep in love. Ashley moved in with her new beau, and Chance had feelings he had reportedly "never felt before." It was no surprise when only having been together for a year, the starry eyed lovers were engaged.

"I knew she was the one for me," Chance gushed. "She likes all the same Bugs Bunny episodes as I do, and she can totally drink more Jager than anyone else I know. It's like we're always finishing each others' sandwiches. Plus, look at THOSE!"

The unemployed amorous twosome was married in a sunset service on Orange County Beach in South Alabama in front of 40 friends, family members, and dogs. "It was the best day of my life, a beautiful dream come true," declared Mary. "We are so in love, it just feels right. It's almost like we're already an old married couple, except we never fight. Never."

The whimsical newlyweds were said to have enjoyed an impassioned honeymoon at the Four Winds Resort across the street from the beach. And now that they have been married for only a few brief months, the dreamy tandem feels "almost like we're closer than before," as Ty lovingly grinned. "She's cool. I don't think I could ever do any better. Yeah, she's a pretty hot chick."

At press time, there was rumored to be a surprise baby addition on it's way to the enchanted young family. The pair is reported to be "stoked."

Open Mic Artist Has New CD Out (News Flash)

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a recent statement made at this week's Friday Night Mics, local singer/songwriter Jason Hills has announced that he has a new CD out. Most of the night's selections, including "She's My Kind Of Crazy", and "Rain Falls Skyward" were from this new release. Hills' most recent collection, titled "Coffee Table Songs", just came out a few weeks ago and is available in the back for a reported five bucks. At press time, a free t-shirt was offered with the purchase of Hills' "new album".

Friends And Family Lie About Ugly Baby

Raul Kemp
Reporter

This week, most of Mary Stevenson's friends and family lied to her about the appearance of her newborn baby Todd. By most human standards, the recent arrival could be described as butt-ugly, but that fact has been overlooked by Stevenson's closest supporters.

"Oh, he's beautiful", gushed Mary's sister Sophie, all the while thinking, "Gosh, that poor bastard's gonna have a rough life with a head shaped like that." Sophie was quite disappointed upon finding out that her first nephew was an ass face. She knew the risks of Ugly Baby Syndrome, or UBS, but never thought it could happen to anyone in her family.

Mary's best friend Jeanna Moore exclaimed, "Oh he looks just like you", which was hard to do while trying to hold back her gag reflex. Moore, upon arriving at the gym hours later, spread the news to the rest of the girls and they quickly decided to "not hang out with that ugly family anymore".

Doctor Marsh, the delivering OB/GYN, tried his best to be supportive in this ugly time. "Oh, yeah," coughed Marsh, "he's the most handsome little guy I've seen in this room today." The doctor then went on to ask the new mother a series of questions about her intake of alcohol, Mountain Dew, Wal Mart, and NASCAR during her pregnancy. Later, out in the hallway, the good doctor was heard to mutter, "Wow, I need a drink."

Mary, the only mother that could love that face, was too far in the clouds to notice the repugnance of her offspring. "He's so unique. Just look at his wrinkled little forehead. Awwww." Stevenson declared that her new little guy might just be the next Brad Pitt or David Beckham, while everyone else in the nursery agreed aloud, and then rolled their eyes and thought, "More like Steve Buscemi".

Even the unsightly infant's father, Emmit, was a little unnerved by the sight of his new bundle of joy. "I just hope I don't put the diaper on the wrong end."

Local Cashier Gives 98 Cent Change

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In the biggest dick move in recent retail history, hole in the wall convenience store operator Ivan Avir gave a local smoker 98 cents in change in a routine cigarette transaction. When customer Jeremy Lantello handed over a five and sadly admitted to not having two loose pennies, that ass hole shrugged, said "Ooooo, K", and gave him a handful of loose coins.

"Usually, I just take a couple of pennies out of the tray," a clearly agitated Lantello lamented. "Or the cashier isn't a complete prick and just says don't worry about it." Jeremy is said to "hate having change in his pockets", citing "always falling into the couch" as a primary reason.

Bastard cashier Avir, when questioned, had another side to the story. "If I give two penny here, two penny there, I lose lots of penny. I have family need penny."

This is not the first time that this dick weed has been accused of not providing top notch service. In December 2007, he kept the beer coolers locked until way after 12:15 p.m. on a Sunday, and in July 2003, a young lady urinated herself as Avir told her she "couldn't use the bathroom unless she bought something."

"This bathroom for pay customers only. Flush cost penny, wash cost penny. You no pay, you no use," he barked as the girl allegedly stood there in her own puddle and whimpered. The miserable fuckwad has reportedly saved himself over three and a half dollars by making sure not to "just be cool" and waive off small amounts of change.

The local Chamber of Commerce has began an investigation into the store in question. "How could someone be such a dick," useless elected official Glenda Streem wonders. "There has to be something else going on here. You just don't treat people like garbage for no reason." There will be a hearing later this week to determine just how big of an ass hole this guy really is, and if that jerk-off is found to indeed be a miserable ass bag, he will be forced to close his store and leave town.

Local residents report to have banded together and pledged to go across the street to the Mapco in protest of the so-called "Circle K Shithead". "That dude sucks ass", high school junior Cody Parish witnessed. "He yells at us when we skate in the parking lot, and he won't let us buy beer. I hope his store burns down."

House Plant "Over It"

Raul Kemp
Reporter

This week, in an act of final despair, a Nashville Peace Lilly threw its arms up and screamed "I'm so over this shit!" It seems the house plant's frustrations have been building for some time, and this weekend, it finally reached its breaking point.

"I mean, I had plans to see the world, experience seasons, maybe ride in a hot air balloon. Now look at me. I sit here next to the T.V. and watch this chubby dude sit on his ass and eat frozen pizza all day. This is not how I pictured my life."

The Lilly's roommate, Jason, was surprised by Monday's emotional outburst. "I don't get it. It seemed fine this summer when it was out on the porch. Wait, wait, I guess it was a little droopy when I got back from being out of town for two weeks, but it perked right up when I watered it. I thought it was fine."

"That's just it", yelled the Lilly, "I'm smart, attractive, and funny, and here I am living with this ass-hat! I have to almost die just to get some fuckin' water around here! Jeez, really?"

Although the relationship is in turmoil, Jason still recalls the good times. "There was the time I moved it to a bigger pot, and that funny joke it told me about the Rabbi, the Priest, and Madonna. I guess if it's not happy, it's free to go at any time. No one's holding a gun to its head."

At press time, the Plant was looking at other options. Such life changes may include a new place, a better pot, or even just going on a cruise for a few days to refresh.

Man Starts Blog, Considers Self Writer

Raul Kemp
Reporter

Local window installer Pete Howard has entered the blogosphere with excitement and has already glossed himself a "writer". With this new internet platform, Howard has quickly started telling people about his new venture.

"It's great", says Pete, "before when I was picking up chicks, I had to tell them about my boring job. Now, I can add "writer" to that line and I automatically sound smarter and more refined. I'm totally gonna get laid."

Howard's sophomore English teacher, Mrs. Stanton, had a different response. "When I had Pete, he could barely string a complete thought together, use proper grammar, or even spell correctly. I wouldn't call him a "writer" so much, more of a guy with a laptop."

Not to be discouraged, Howard had added "writer" to his Facebook profile, bought a thesaurus, and started answering Craigslist ads in the "writing" jobs section.

"This blog is gonna be awesome", Howard says giddily. "I'm gonna reach thousands of people all over the world, and they're all gonna agree with me and encourage my opinions. I can't wait to spread my knowledge with the whole web."

So far, the blog has included posts about Pete's favorite Chili's menu items, a review of recent blockbuster "Harold and Kumar Christmas 3-D", and a list of local bartenders he would love to bang. In the future, Howard hopes to include stories about his dog, Poster, and a weekly top ten list.

When reached for comment, the internet responded, "Meh."

ZZ Top Breaks Up To Shave

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a recent press conference, ZZ Top announced that they were calling it quits so they could finally shave. The band has been known for their trademark beards since the mid 70's, and they seem to have finally gotten tired of them. At the end of this year's tour, they will finally break up, and head home to their perpetually neglected razors.

"I don't know man, I think it might be nice to be clean shaven for once," noted guitarist Billy Gibbons. "Having to spend a half hour vacuuming crumbs out after every meal gets tiring day in and day out ya know? I just want to be able to enjoy my face a little more. And just once, I wanna please a woman without all that bush in the way, mine that is."

The trio has resisted shaving lo these many years, in an attempt to keep their image, as well as not to confuse their loyal fan base. The great "trimming" of 1988 threw their whole career into jeopardy when fans just couldn't identify with their bewhiskered heroes, even when they just took off a few inches. "It just wasn't the same. I mean, it was them, but something just seemed different", remembers long time Top fan Bubba McGinley. "It's like when Samson shaved his beard man, he lost all his fuckin' strength."

"There's been a ton of great times with my beard dude. I mean, the ladies always loved it brushin' against their titties, it kept me warm in the winters, and airport security never searched this thing. I could always bring all the cocaine and guns I wanted on the plane," bassist Dusty Hill fondly remembers. "I guess everything has to come to an end, and I just wanted to shave it off now so I could have some years to enjoy it."

The band, always looking for ways to give back to the community, have decided to donate their shavings to Chops of Tomorrow, a nationwide charity which provides whiskers to those who are unable to grow beards. "It will be nice to help those people man", said Gibbons. "Those poor bastards have gone their whole lives not knowing the glory and wonder of having over 13 inches of hair hangin' off their chin. That just ain't right y'all, plus, I just can't wait to bust out the old clippers. Shavin' my balls just ain't the same, ya know?"

When asked how he would spend his retirement, drummer Frank Beard replied, "I don't know, but I sure as shit ain't gonna shave for a while."

Tebow's Mother Warns "You Might Stick That Way"

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a frantic phone call placed late Sunday night, Janice Tebow, mother of Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow, warned her son of the dangers of over-posing. "Timothy", she said, "every time I see footage of you, dear, you are knelt down with your fist up to you forehead. If you keep doing that, honey, you're going to stick that way."

Janice has always looked out for her only son, saving him from such deformities as "permanent silly face", "t.v. crosseyedness", and "masturbation blindness". "How can my little man continue to throw the football to the other football guys if his fist is stuck to his forehead?" asked Tebow when reached for comment. "I know in sports you can hurt your arms or legs pretty bad, but he's really asking for it with all that posing."

Ever since his impressive career with the Florida Gators, Tebow has shown his religious devotion by kneeling in a prayer-like pose after national championships, Heisman trophies, wins, touchdowns, first downs, complete passes, field goals, official challenges, successful huddles, Gatorade breaks, and both before and after the singing of the Star Spangled Banner. His poor mother has spent the past six years beside herself with worry that her "special little guy" could lose it all if he gets stuck that way.

"My neighbor, Teri Mayber's son, Josh, got his finger stuck in his nose and he's stuck that way forever! How awful that must be for them", cried Ms. Tebow as she begged and pleaded with her son to "please stop posing so much, or at least change it up a bit." As every mother knows, the dangers of "sticking that way" are all around us. Her hand had to be surgically removed from young Tim's before he could attend kindergarten.

In a family press release sent out early Monday morning, Tebow responded "Oh, Mom."

Hip Three Year Old Ruins Christmas

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a recent terrorism plot acted out on December 5, 28 preschoolers' hopes and dreams were dashed by area youngster Elijah Robbins. The St. Louis class was shattered by the outburst shortly before nap time on Monday.

"Nuh Uh, Santa Claus isn't real! He's not in this world!" exclaimed young Robbins shortly after the graham crackers had been consumed, resulting in horrified screams and chaos. Kids were hiding under desks covering their ears, closing their eyes, and crying "La La La La I can't hear you!"

Three and a half year old Penny Whilmer, classmate of the troubled Robbins, just sat in the corner, shaking. "How could anyone say such a thing? If Santa's not real, who's gonna bring Christmas?"

When reached for comment, Elija's mother Bethany Robbins responded with little remorse. "He asked if Santa was really real and we told him the truth. Were we supposed to lie to him?"

The St. Louis Board of Toddler Education will meet Thursday to determine whether this aggression should be charged as a hate crime or should be dismissed under the "Kids Say the Darndest Things" act of 1986, sponsored by long time Children's Rights activist, Bill Cosby. Until then, the case is under further investigation.

Ball Judge Has Soft Hands

Raul Kemp
Reporter

After the first quarter of the '11 NFL season, Ball Judge Jim Bynes is on track to complete 67 percent of toss backs from ball carriers. If he can keep up this pace, he will almost assuredly surpass his previous personal best of 59 percent from the '06 campaign.

Although the sure hands of this prolific BJ are a large component of this statistic, almost equally critical are the efforts of his pass providers, NFL receivers, running backs and QB's. Having officiated games for teams such as The Patriots, Titans, and Lions in the first quarter has certainly boosted his Bynes' stats due to the fact that these teams practice tossing the ball back to the official at the end of the play.

"The play's not over until the ball is secure in the Ball Judge's hands. At least that's how we feel", Titans running back Javon Ringer said after last Sunday's win in Cleveland. "How can we start the next play if the ball's floppin' around on the ground?"

League official Mark Stowe said in a recent statement "We are proud of Judge Bynes, especially after last season's incident, when he went 0-23 in the Redskins/Cowboys game. Wow, that had to be embarrassing."

That game must have left a mark on Bynes, because in the first quarter of this year's season, he has already completed nearly a hundred flips, tosses, and heaves directed to him.

When asked about the recent turn around, Bynes replied, "I have to credit my wife for increasing my focus with "think fast" drills around the house in every day life. If I drop one more saucer, I think she might throw a flag, huh huh."

Bynes will face a mid-season challenge when he faces teams such as The Jaguars, Colts, Seahawks, and Falcons. These teams have put up perennially poor numbers with their ball judges in recent years, and their completions this season have not improved.

"I'm just gonna take it one ball at a time, and try to zero in on every lob. If I can get past this next few weeks, I should be right in the zone."