Chickens Boycott Chick-Fil-A

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In response to the controversial statements from the CEO of Chick-Fil-A regarding the fact that he gives a shit what gay people do,  chickens nationwide are turning their backs on the fried food chain. Gina Benson, the head of the Union of American Chickens, gave a press conference today and explained the species' position.

"Due to the recent quotes from headquarters, we, here at the UAC, will be forced to protest Chick-Fil-A restaurants across the nation," said Benson. "We will no longer strive to give them the healthiest, tastiest carcasses and/or embryos we, as chickens, can provide. We felt fine giving our lives for their profits, but if they want to have their own opinions, and express them out loud, then that's where we draw the line. That's just unacceptable."

The birds have apparently banded together in support of equal rights, for both humans and chickens, and have given generous contributions to these causes, as well as breast and thigh cancer research. There are reported to be over 50 million chickens in America, 98 percent of whom produce both eggs and delicious white and dark meats.

If the two sides can't come to an agreement, this action could affect markets all over the United States. 93 Percent of all eggs sold come from chickens, making them the most popular layers in the country. If those eggs aren't readily available, the effects of this dispute could be felt by everyone from Shoney's buffet patrons to Easter enthusiasts to Italian Stallions in training.

Chickens protest in the streets of America

However, some of the feathered foul aren't as quick to disagree.

"I think we had a pretty good thing worked out with those Fil-A guys. They feed us and let us party for a year or so and then we get made into delicious food. It's a win win situation. Do you know how much great food I got to eat, or how many hens I got to bang?  I tell ya, it was the best year ever. I'm really gonna miss that life", lamented local frat-rooster Jeremy Reece from his single square foot cage. He is scheduled for the chopping block this weekend, unbeknownst to him, in preparation for a barbeque at the lake.

In response to the response, there have started to be grass roots  movements within the younger chicken community pleading with the uptight foul to just chill out and live life to the fullest. Lay-Ins have been staged in coops around the nation, car wash fund raisers have been thrown, and benefit concerts have been played, all showing contempt for the opinionated grown ups.

The Chicken's Union head says that this aggression will continue until the company shuts up and minds its own business, which is making sub par dry chicken sandwiches and waffle fries. Another acceptable solution would be the local news channel's future refusal to report the political and religious views of fast food jockeys. At press time, no agreement had been reached and the protests were still underway.

Chick-Fil-A Defends Lack Of Mayonnaise

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a statement released earlier today, Chick-Fil-A Ceo Dan Cathy has come out in defense of his company's refusal to include mayonnaise on their most popular sandwich. This stance has caused quite an uproar among the fast food community, garnering loads of customer mail and viral response.

"We live in a country that allows us to put whatever we want on our sandwiches," claims Cathy. "Our company is based on family values and conservative beliefs and mayonnaise just doesn't fit in with the way we want to run our business." The corporation has long been known for their convictions, such as being closed on Sundays, and only serving special "Chick-Fil-A Delicious Sauce" on the side.

Condiment's rights activist Suni Paxton is outraged by the fast food company's outrageous position, stating that a crispy chicken sandwich is "right where mayo should be".

"You're trying to tell me that two pieces of bread, a slab of chicken, and a pickle slice constitutes a sandwich? Everyone knows that a dry sandwich is unacceptable. Don't try to push your beliefs on me. I should have every right to slather on whichever condiment I see fit," Paxton said in her own impassioned response. She has partnered with the Coalition for the Advancement of Condiments and Other  Dressings, or CACOD, to organize an nationwide strike of the once popular food chain.

"We know it may be an unpopular stance", defends Cathy, "but we feel that we have to stand behind what we believe in, and that is dry chicken."

When reached for comment, Hardees/Carl's Jr. CEO Mark Ruffeld said, "We respect everyone's right to serve or not serve whatever they like. We however believe in supporting all condiments, be they white, yellow, red, or a creamy orange mix."

At press time, Ketchup was offered for the waffle style french fries, but customers using the red sauce continue to be under close watch.

Producer Produces Produce (News Flash)

Raul Kemp
Reporter

Nashville Music Row Producer Slim Jonas has successfully propagated and harvested four tomato plants this year. In a raised 8'x8' garden bed behind his East Nashville home, Slim cultivated over a dozen delicious fresh tomatoes. "I make music, I make hits, and now, I make savory produce", Jonas grinned as he held his bounty. "I think this summer, I might try growing some beans, or peppers. Mmm, that sounds good." At press time, the producer was planning a fresh tomato basil pasta dish, and maybe some BLTs for lunch with his wife.

U.S. Seeks Part Time Job

Raul Kemp
Reporter

This week, facing numerous bills and late notices, the United States has decided to go out and get a part time job. With debts and outstanding balances in the trillions, the U.S. hopes that a little extra income will help out.

With a resume that includes hosting, conquering, willy-nilly spending, and bi-partisan bickering, the greatest land in all the world is hoping to qualify for numerous positions. "They're hiring at Target," the once rich country lamented, "I guess I could be a cashier, or maybe I could wait tables down at Ruby Tuesday's."

After years of irresponsible financial squandering, the invoices, late notices, and even liens have started to pile up. Countries such as China and Russia have started to put pressure on the land of the free to at least start a payment program to bring these balances closer to good standing. Even America's hat, Canada, has started to make uncomfortable comments towards the debt.

"I mean, they owe us billions of dollars, and yet here they are going out to sporting events, eating fancy meals, and buying expensive cars. If they can afford all that, then surely they can afford to pay us back," commented an obviously irritated Canada. "They need to get a job."

The U.S. hopes that by growing up a little and showing some responsibility, it might gain back some respect from the rest of the world. "It will be nice to have a little income, even though having to work sucks. I hear the bowling alley is hiring. That might be fun."

At press time, the United States is hoping for at least ten bucks an hour, and will reportedly only be available Monday thru Thursday evenings.

Guy Pretends To Give A Shit

Raul Kemp
Reporter

Last night, on a sidewalk downtown, local bar patron Jerry Meskew sat and pretended to be interested while the cute girl he was smoking with talked continuously for a long time. Through a series of sensitive nods and humorous interjections, Meskew really made it look like he gave a shit.

While the man was generally glad to be spending time with such an attractive lady, it really took some will power to fain interest in her stories of past boyfriends, job woes, and trials of home ownership. As the hottie went on and on about the long terrible day she was having, Meskew sat and listened quietly and hoped she might go out with him someday. "I don't talk to many girls, so when they just start blathering on, it makes the conversation that much easier. Plus it leaves less room for me to say something stupid."

32 year old Carrie had reportedly just had a rough day, and simply needed someone to vent to. "My water heater's broke, my ex sent me a mean text message, my yard's all overgrown, I lost money at work, my parents are coming to visit for a whole month, this creepy guy tried to hit on me, my cat won't stop puking, my car has a funny smell, I dropped my cell phone in a bowl of chili, one of my eyes hurts, my best friend's pregnant, I have to get my taxes done, I'm having lady troubles, I always date the wrong kind of guys, my bank is closed on Monday for some reason, there's a bulb out on one of my porch lights, I have this weird bump on my shin, my sister won't do the 5k run with me, the weather is uncomfortable somehow, I left my Chapstick at the mall, oh my God, you're such a good listener", she said as her fellow smoker raised his brow intently.

Although it is doubtful that Carrie will ever see Mr. Meskew again, she allegedly appreciated his listening skills. "It's hard to find a guy who just wants to listen. Most guys just sit there and think about banging you while you talk," the young lady complained.

For the record, in addition to appearing to give a shit, Jerry was just sitting there thinking about banging her while she talked.

Canadian Mobster Not A Good Mobster

Raul Kemp
Reporter

According to a recent New York City poll, Jimmy "The Moose" Adams is the worst mobster involved in organized crime today. In an overwhelming majority, those polled listed the native Canadian as the least intimidating, most worthless Made Man in the entire country.

Upon arriving in New York in 1998, The Moose aspired to start his own crime family, and "run those worthless Italians and Russians right out of town." He set up shop in Times Square and before long was conning tourists out of their lemonade money. Within a two years, he had control of every hotdog stand in the area, or so he thought.

Local vendor Tony LaRone recalls a different scenario. "The Moose? Isn't that the guy who used to threaten me with a rolled up newspaper if I didn't pay him off? Yeah, right. I squirted some mustard on his shirt and he ran away yelling something French. I thought he was kidding."

Born in Edmonton in the 60's, Adams was the son of a ice farmer. He always had dreams of leaving the snow behind and making a new life for himself. After being influenced by Johnny Depp's performance in "Donnie Brasco", he dubbed himself "The Moose" and headed for the big city. He had some moderate early success importing Labatt's beer, but since the turn of the century, Adams has fallen even further down the organized crime chain. Now, over 25 years later, he is the apparent laughingstock of the neighborhood.

"Anyone that likes their kneecaps better give me what I want, eh?" threatens the denim covered goon. Although he talks tough, Adams has never so much as skinned anyone's knee. His worst transgression was the time he poured chocolate milk on an old lady who refused to pay to use his crosswalk. Most of the small business owners in the district know The Moose as "that guy with the high pitched voice who keeps coming in asking for free stuff".

"He's got it all wrong", says local soap shop owner Lisa Parnell. "Why would I pay him? He never does anything and I'm certainly not intimidated by his ownership of hot coffee, nor his knowledge of how to use it."

The Moose has decided that if things don't pick up in the next year, he's going to move his operation to a smaller market. "I don't know, maybe Memphis or Philadelphia. Those towns don't seem to have much crime. I bet I could clean up there."

When reached for comment, the FBI didn't appear the slight bit interested.

Friends And Family Lie About Ugly Baby

Raul Kemp
Reporter

This week, most of Mary Stevenson's friends and family lied to her about the appearance of her newborn baby Todd. By most human standards, the recent arrival could be described as butt-ugly, but that fact has been overlooked by Stevenson's closest supporters.

"Oh, he's beautiful", gushed Mary's sister Sophie, all the while thinking, "Gosh, that poor bastard's gonna have a rough life with a head shaped like that." Sophie was quite disappointed upon finding out that her first nephew was an ass face. She knew the risks of Ugly Baby Syndrome, or UBS, but never thought it could happen to anyone in her family.

Mary's best friend Jeanna Moore exclaimed, "Oh he looks just like you", which was hard to do while trying to hold back her gag reflex. Moore, upon arriving at the gym hours later, spread the news to the rest of the girls and they quickly decided to "not hang out with that ugly family anymore".

Doctor Marsh, the delivering OB/GYN, tried his best to be supportive in this ugly time. "Oh, yeah," coughed Marsh, "he's the most handsome little guy I've seen in this room today." The doctor then went on to ask the new mother a series of questions about her intake of alcohol, Mountain Dew, Wal Mart, and NASCAR during her pregnancy. Later, out in the hallway, the good doctor was heard to mutter, "Wow, I need a drink."

Mary, the only mother that could love that face, was too far in the clouds to notice the repugnance of her offspring. "He's so unique. Just look at his wrinkled little forehead. Awwww." Stevenson declared that her new little guy might just be the next Brad Pitt or David Beckham, while everyone else in the nursery agreed aloud, and then rolled their eyes and thought, "More like Steve Buscemi".

Even the unsightly infant's father, Emmit, was a little unnerved by the sight of his new bundle of joy. "I just hope I don't put the diaper on the wrong end."

Local Cashier Gives 98 Cent Change

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In the biggest dick move in recent retail history, hole in the wall convenience store operator Ivan Avir gave a local smoker 98 cents in change in a routine cigarette transaction. When customer Jeremy Lantello handed over a five and sadly admitted to not having two loose pennies, that ass hole shrugged, said "Ooooo, K", and gave him a handful of loose coins.

"Usually, I just take a couple of pennies out of the tray," a clearly agitated Lantello lamented. "Or the cashier isn't a complete prick and just says don't worry about it." Jeremy is said to "hate having change in his pockets", citing "always falling into the couch" as a primary reason.

Bastard cashier Avir, when questioned, had another side to the story. "If I give two penny here, two penny there, I lose lots of penny. I have family need penny."

This is not the first time that this dick weed has been accused of not providing top notch service. In December 2007, he kept the beer coolers locked until way after 12:15 p.m. on a Sunday, and in July 2003, a young lady urinated herself as Avir told her she "couldn't use the bathroom unless she bought something."

"This bathroom for pay customers only. Flush cost penny, wash cost penny. You no pay, you no use," he barked as the girl allegedly stood there in her own puddle and whimpered. The miserable fuckwad has reportedly saved himself over three and a half dollars by making sure not to "just be cool" and waive off small amounts of change.

The local Chamber of Commerce has began an investigation into the store in question. "How could someone be such a dick," useless elected official Glenda Streem wonders. "There has to be something else going on here. You just don't treat people like garbage for no reason." There will be a hearing later this week to determine just how big of an ass hole this guy really is, and if that jerk-off is found to indeed be a miserable ass bag, he will be forced to close his store and leave town.

Local residents report to have banded together and pledged to go across the street to the Mapco in protest of the so-called "Circle K Shithead". "That dude sucks ass", high school junior Cody Parish witnessed. "He yells at us when we skate in the parking lot, and he won't let us buy beer. I hope his store burns down."