Pekka Rinne To Face Red Wings Alone

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a press conference Wednesday, Coach Barry Trotz has revealed his game plan for Friday's game 5 against the Detroit Red Wings. The unprecedented strategy will pit goaltender Pekka Rinne against the Wings all by himself.

"We looked at the film from the past couple of games," said Trotz, "and we decided, hell, if we're not gonna shoot the puck, we might as well not even be out there. Let's face it, Pekka has won these games pretty much without any offensive support, so we'll just let him do it his way."

The Predators are ahead in the series 3-1, and believe this next game will be a good time to rest the team. "We believe in Peks," noted goaltender Coach Mitch Korn. "We all know he's the reason we are where we are. The playoffs are hard, and the guys are tired, so we figure we will let him stop a couple hundred shots for 58 minutes, then score one when they pull their goalie."

After turning in several periods in which the Predators failed to put more than five or six shots on net, the team feels like if they just stay out of Rinne's way, he can pull out the win alone.

When asked for his opinion on the situation, Rinne replied "Um, Ok. Wait, what?"

Predators Crush Red Wings In Game 2

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In game 2 of the NHL Western Conference Quarterfinals Friday night, the Nashville Predators completely crushed the Detroit Red Wings in a "who can pass it around more" contest. The Preds proved to the nation that in the pointless passing department, they are kings.

In a show of passing genius, the Predators made over 600 passes, including 368 power play passes. They only paused to put four shots on goal during a half dozen man advantages, and somehow managed to score two goals. If they counted incomplete and intercepted passes, Nashville would have certainly broken numerous records.

In a post game interview, Head Coach Barry Trotz seemed proud of his team. "I'm happy with the way we played tonight. We didn't score many goals, but I think our passing is right where it needs to be. I definitely believe we can out-pass the Wings in this series. If we just stay with our system and pass the puck around, we'll be alright."

With world class passers such as David Legwand and Martin Erat, the Predators are on pace to out-pass every single team in the first round of the playoffs. Legwand led the league in total passes in the 2012 regular season, and Erat had 1473 power play passes this year, also number one in the NHL. Not to mention team Captain Shea Weber, who clocked the league's fastest pass, registering over 100 miles per hour.

When asked about what to expect for game 3, Coach Trotz said there would hours of work on the penalty kill and more focus on their dumping and chasing. Forward Colin Wilson is expected to be listed as a scratch for Sunday's game, with coaches continuing to worry about his over-shooting.

Producer Produces Produce (News Flash)

Raul Kemp
Reporter

Nashville Music Row Producer Slim Jonas has successfully propagated and harvested four tomato plants this year. In a raised 8'x8' garden bed behind his East Nashville home, Slim cultivated over a dozen delicious fresh tomatoes. "I make music, I make hits, and now, I make savory produce", Jonas grinned as he held his bounty. "I think this summer, I might try growing some beans, or peppers. Mmm, that sounds good." At press time, the producer was planning a fresh tomato basil pasta dish, and maybe some BLTs for lunch with his wife.

Beans Proven Not Musical Fruit

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a recent study published by the National Institute of Natural Bodily Reactions, beans have been proven to not indeed be the "musical fruit". After extensive research, beans have now been labeled as the "musical legume."

"This misnomer has been around for years," informed Professor Malcom Bezwell. "We all know the rhyme, but really, beans are not a fruit at all. Actually, you could call grapes or strawberries the musical fruit. Those are actually fruits."

When reached for comment, Beans were said to be relieved to finally disprove the little saying. "All this time, we knew we weren't a fruit, but we went with it because it was such great advertising. Now that it's out in the open, we can go on with our lives. I guess we should change the saying to beans, beans, the musical legume. The more you eat, the more you fume."

In addition to disproving the longstanding beans rumor, the NIONBR is looking into the falsehoods including pants catching on fire due to lying, and nana nana boo boo causing one to stick one's head in doo doo.

U.S. Seeks Part Time Job

Raul Kemp
Reporter

This week, facing numerous bills and late notices, the United States has decided to go out and get a part time job. With debts and outstanding balances in the trillions, the U.S. hopes that a little extra income will help out.

With a resume that includes hosting, conquering, willy-nilly spending, and bi-partisan bickering, the greatest land in all the world is hoping to qualify for numerous positions. "They're hiring at Target," the once rich country lamented, "I guess I could be a cashier, or maybe I could wait tables down at Ruby Tuesday's."

After years of irresponsible financial squandering, the invoices, late notices, and even liens have started to pile up. Countries such as China and Russia have started to put pressure on the land of the free to at least start a payment program to bring these balances closer to good standing. Even America's hat, Canada, has started to make uncomfortable comments towards the debt.

"I mean, they owe us billions of dollars, and yet here they are going out to sporting events, eating fancy meals, and buying expensive cars. If they can afford all that, then surely they can afford to pay us back," commented an obviously irritated Canada. "They need to get a job."

The U.S. hopes that by growing up a little and showing some responsibility, it might gain back some respect from the rest of the world. "It will be nice to have a little income, even though having to work sucks. I hear the bowling alley is hiring. That might be fun."

At press time, the United States is hoping for at least ten bucks an hour, and will reportedly only be available Monday thru Thursday evenings.