Chickens Boycott Chick-Fil-A

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In response to the controversial statements from the CEO of Chick-Fil-A regarding the fact that he gives a shit what gay people do,  chickens nationwide are turning their backs on the fried food chain. Gina Benson, the head of the Union of American Chickens, gave a press conference today and explained the species' position.

"Due to the recent quotes from headquarters, we, here at the UAC, will be forced to protest Chick-Fil-A restaurants across the nation," said Benson. "We will no longer strive to give them the healthiest, tastiest carcasses and/or embryos we, as chickens, can provide. We felt fine giving our lives for their profits, but if they want to have their own opinions, and express them out loud, then that's where we draw the line. That's just unacceptable."

The birds have apparently banded together in support of equal rights, for both humans and chickens, and have given generous contributions to these causes, as well as breast and thigh cancer research. There are reported to be over 50 million chickens in America, 98 percent of whom produce both eggs and delicious white and dark meats.

If the two sides can't come to an agreement, this action could affect markets all over the United States. 93 Percent of all eggs sold come from chickens, making them the most popular layers in the country. If those eggs aren't readily available, the effects of this dispute could be felt by everyone from Shoney's buffet patrons to Easter enthusiasts to Italian Stallions in training.

Chickens protest in the streets of America

However, some of the feathered foul aren't as quick to disagree.

"I think we had a pretty good thing worked out with those Fil-A guys. They feed us and let us party for a year or so and then we get made into delicious food. It's a win win situation. Do you know how much great food I got to eat, or how many hens I got to bang?  I tell ya, it was the best year ever. I'm really gonna miss that life", lamented local frat-rooster Jeremy Reece from his single square foot cage. He is scheduled for the chopping block this weekend, unbeknownst to him, in preparation for a barbeque at the lake.

In response to the response, there have started to be grass roots  movements within the younger chicken community pleading with the uptight foul to just chill out and live life to the fullest. Lay-Ins have been staged in coops around the nation, car wash fund raisers have been thrown, and benefit concerts have been played, all showing contempt for the opinionated grown ups.

The Chicken's Union head says that this aggression will continue until the company shuts up and minds its own business, which is making sub par dry chicken sandwiches and waffle fries. Another acceptable solution would be the local news channel's future refusal to report the political and religious views of fast food jockeys. At press time, no agreement had been reached and the protests were still underway.

Beans Proven Not Musical Fruit

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a recent study published by the National Institute of Natural Bodily Reactions, beans have been proven to not indeed be the "musical fruit". After extensive research, beans have now been labeled as the "musical legume."

"This misnomer has been around for years," informed Professor Malcom Bezwell. "We all know the rhyme, but really, beans are not a fruit at all. Actually, you could call grapes or strawberries the musical fruit. Those are actually fruits."

When reached for comment, Beans were said to be relieved to finally disprove the little saying. "All this time, we knew we weren't a fruit, but we went with it because it was such great advertising. Now that it's out in the open, we can go on with our lives. I guess we should change the saying to beans, beans, the musical legume. The more you eat, the more you fume."

In addition to disproving the longstanding beans rumor, the NIONBR is looking into the falsehoods including pants catching on fire due to lying, and nana nana boo boo causing one to stick one's head in doo doo.

Fast Food Fish Found Most Meat-Like

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a scientific study completed earlier this week, the product packaged as fish in most fast food restaurants was found to be most comparable to meat. The research compared beef, chicken and fish, and found the contents of the McFish, the Fish Sandwich, and the King Fish to be most meat-like.

The Center For Dietary Achievement And Ethical Consumer Information (CFDAAECI) recruited the top professors, doctors, and fast food authorities to lead the investigation into what really is going into these sandwiches we all love to eat and depend on for proper nutrition. The team worked around the clock for weeks and made some startling discoveries.

The "beef" samples were reported to contain traces of tree bark, brick, and dog food. Small amounts of motor oil were also found. In addition, the "chicken" samples allegedly contained large doses of cardboard, sawdust, and recycled water bottles. The "fish" on the other hand was composed mostly of Grass Carp, while still a disgusting product, technically a fish.

The CFDAAECI is currently working to advance legislation requiring fast food establishments to display a small, black and white flier with unreadable print containing the molecular buildup of the meat they are selling. Managers nationwide plan to locate the flier at the end of the counter next to the "Employees Must Wash Hands" sign.

House Plant "Over It"

Raul Kemp
Reporter

This week, in an act of final despair, a Nashville Peace Lilly threw its arms up and screamed "I'm so over this shit!" It seems the house plant's frustrations have been building for some time, and this weekend, it finally reached its breaking point.

"I mean, I had plans to see the world, experience seasons, maybe ride in a hot air balloon. Now look at me. I sit here next to the T.V. and watch this chubby dude sit on his ass and eat frozen pizza all day. This is not how I pictured my life."

The Lilly's roommate, Jason, was surprised by Monday's emotional outburst. "I don't get it. It seemed fine this summer when it was out on the porch. Wait, wait, I guess it was a little droopy when I got back from being out of town for two weeks, but it perked right up when I watered it. I thought it was fine."

"That's just it", yelled the Lilly, "I'm smart, attractive, and funny, and here I am living with this ass-hat! I have to almost die just to get some fuckin' water around here! Jeez, really?"

Although the relationship is in turmoil, Jason still recalls the good times. "There was the time I moved it to a bigger pot, and that funny joke it told me about the Rabbi, the Priest, and Madonna. I guess if it's not happy, it's free to go at any time. No one's holding a gun to its head."

At press time, the Plant was looking at other options. Such life changes may include a new place, a better pot, or even just going on a cruise for a few days to refresh.