ZZ Top Breaks Up To Shave

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a recent press conference, ZZ Top announced that they were calling it quits so they could finally shave. The band has been known for their trademark beards since the mid 70's, and they seem to have finally gotten tired of them. At the end of this year's tour, they will finally break up, and head home to their perpetually neglected razors.

"I don't know man, I think it might be nice to be clean shaven for once," noted guitarist Billy Gibbons. "Having to spend a half hour vacuuming crumbs out after every meal gets tiring day in and day out ya know? I just want to be able to enjoy my face a little more. And just once, I wanna please a woman without all that bush in the way, mine that is."

The trio has resisted shaving lo these many years, in an attempt to keep their image, as well as not to confuse their loyal fan base. The great "trimming" of 1988 threw their whole career into jeopardy when fans just couldn't identify with their bewhiskered heroes, even when they just took off a few inches. "It just wasn't the same. I mean, it was them, but something just seemed different", remembers long time Top fan Bubba McGinley. "It's like when Samson shaved his beard man, he lost all his fuckin' strength."

"There's been a ton of great times with my beard dude. I mean, the ladies always loved it brushin' against their titties, it kept me warm in the winters, and airport security never searched this thing. I could always bring all the cocaine and guns I wanted on the plane," bassist Dusty Hill fondly remembers. "I guess everything has to come to an end, and I just wanted to shave it off now so I could have some years to enjoy it."

The band, always looking for ways to give back to the community, have decided to donate their shavings to Chops of Tomorrow, a nationwide charity which provides whiskers to those who are unable to grow beards. "It will be nice to help those people man", said Gibbons. "Those poor bastards have gone their whole lives not knowing the glory and wonder of having over 13 inches of hair hangin' off their chin. That just ain't right y'all, plus, I just can't wait to bust out the old clippers. Shavin' my balls just ain't the same, ya know?"

When asked how he would spend his retirement, drummer Frank Beard replied, "I don't know, but I sure as shit ain't gonna shave for a while."