Canadian Mobster Not A Good Mobster

Raul Kemp
Reporter

According to a recent New York City poll, Jimmy "The Moose" Adams is the worst mobster involved in organized crime today. In an overwhelming majority, those polled listed the native Canadian as the least intimidating, most worthless Made Man in the entire country.

Upon arriving in New York in 1998, The Moose aspired to start his own crime family, and "run those worthless Italians and Russians right out of town." He set up shop in Times Square and before long was conning tourists out of their lemonade money. Within a two years, he had control of every hotdog stand in the area, or so he thought.

Local vendor Tony LaRone recalls a different scenario. "The Moose? Isn't that the guy who used to threaten me with a rolled up newspaper if I didn't pay him off? Yeah, right. I squirted some mustard on his shirt and he ran away yelling something French. I thought he was kidding."

Born in Edmonton in the 60's, Adams was the son of a ice farmer. He always had dreams of leaving the snow behind and making a new life for himself. After being influenced by Johnny Depp's performance in "Donnie Brasco", he dubbed himself "The Moose" and headed for the big city. He had some moderate early success importing Labatt's beer, but since the turn of the century, Adams has fallen even further down the organized crime chain. Now, over 25 years later, he is the apparent laughingstock of the neighborhood.

"Anyone that likes their kneecaps better give me what I want, eh?" threatens the denim covered goon. Although he talks tough, Adams has never so much as skinned anyone's knee. His worst transgression was the time he poured chocolate milk on an old lady who refused to pay to use his crosswalk. Most of the small business owners in the district know The Moose as "that guy with the high pitched voice who keeps coming in asking for free stuff".

"He's got it all wrong", says local soap shop owner Lisa Parnell. "Why would I pay him? He never does anything and I'm certainly not intimidated by his ownership of hot coffee, nor his knowledge of how to use it."

The Moose has decided that if things don't pick up in the next year, he's going to move his operation to a smaller market. "I don't know, maybe Memphis or Philadelphia. Those towns don't seem to have much crime. I bet I could clean up there."

When reached for comment, the FBI didn't appear the slight bit interested.