Star Wars Fan Still Lives With Parents

Raul Kemp
Reporter

This week, The Monocle Press has discovered a lifelong Star Wars fan currently unemployed and living with his parents.  Six year old Amos Brendan has been reportedly crashing at his Mom and Dad's place and not at all ashamed of his current situation.

"It's really not that bad," defends Amos, "I get to spend all of my money on cool Star Wars toys, I watch Star Wars every day, and I get a free place to live. What's not to love? I have a whole collection, gross girls leave me alone, and I can even sing the Imperial Death March "

No matter how much ridicule his classmates and coworkers pile on him, Amos doesn't seem to be phased by the fact that he still lives under his folks' roof and has to live by their rules as long as he wants to continue this obsession. Statistics show that as much as 11 percent of male Star Wars Fans grow up to continue to live at the house, while only 89 percent graduate, get jobs, and find their own place to live.

Bachelor Star Wars Fan Plays With Toys At Parents' House

Even his mother is a little unsure of the first grader's lifestyle. "I make his meals, I do his laundry, and I kiss his boo-boos, all so he can do his Star Wars stuff," explains Mommy Sally Brendan. "He's never had a job, and he leaves messes everywhere, but Star Wars seems to be his true calling, so I guess the family is going to support him."

Despite the toll this habit has taken upon his personal life, Amos plans to continue in this cycle of boyish toy-playery. Piggy bank records show that the youngster has spent his past three allowances on Star Wars related entertainment, and his play dates have decreased dramatically due to the fact that Amos will only attend parties or gatherings with a specific Star Wars theme.

In addition, Father Nate Brendan has shown unwavering support his firstborn regardless of numerous bruised fingers and poked eyes resulting from light saber duels and Star  Fighter battles. "The rewards outweigh the pains for sure," assures Nate. "The joy it brings him to swing those hard plastic swords and throw those rigid planes truly is a gift."

At press time, Amos had no plans to move out of his parents' house. According to him, the deal is just too sweet, and he would miss his Mommy and Daddy.

Man Marries Pretty Cool Girl

Raul Kemp
Reporter

Ashley Perkins was one lucky lady when she met Chance Bradley at late one night at an IHOP after a Widespread Panic concert in 2010. "He was nice and he bought me a couple milkshakes and we smoked a joint in his car," she says. "We saw each other around town after that, and quickly became friends. We were "attached at the hip". That was our little thing. Then, at his 22nd birthday party, we banged."

After just a few short months, the young couple was deep in love. Ashley moved in with her new beau, and Chance had feelings he had reportedly "never felt before." It was no surprise when only having been together for a year, the starry eyed lovers were engaged.

"I knew she was the one for me," Chance gushed. "She likes all the same Bugs Bunny episodes as I do, and she can totally drink more Jager than anyone else I know. It's like we're always finishing each others' sandwiches. Plus, look at THOSE!"

The unemployed amorous twosome was married in a sunset service on Orange County Beach in South Alabama in front of 40 friends, family members, and dogs. "It was the best day of my life, a beautiful dream come true," declared Mary. "We are so in love, it just feels right. It's almost like we're already an old married couple, except we never fight. Never."

The whimsical newlyweds were said to have enjoyed an impassioned honeymoon at the Four Winds Resort across the street from the beach. And now that they have been married for only a few brief months, the dreamy tandem feels "almost like we're closer than before," as Ty lovingly grinned. "She's cool. I don't think I could ever do any better. Yeah, she's a pretty hot chick."

At press time, there was rumored to be a surprise baby addition on it's way to the enchanted young family. The pair is reported to be "stoked."

Friends And Family Lie About Ugly Baby

Raul Kemp
Reporter

This week, most of Mary Stevenson's friends and family lied to her about the appearance of her newborn baby Todd. By most human standards, the recent arrival could be described as butt-ugly, but that fact has been overlooked by Stevenson's closest supporters.

"Oh, he's beautiful", gushed Mary's sister Sophie, all the while thinking, "Gosh, that poor bastard's gonna have a rough life with a head shaped like that." Sophie was quite disappointed upon finding out that her first nephew was an ass face. She knew the risks of Ugly Baby Syndrome, or UBS, but never thought it could happen to anyone in her family.

Mary's best friend Jeanna Moore exclaimed, "Oh he looks just like you", which was hard to do while trying to hold back her gag reflex. Moore, upon arriving at the gym hours later, spread the news to the rest of the girls and they quickly decided to "not hang out with that ugly family anymore".

Doctor Marsh, the delivering OB/GYN, tried his best to be supportive in this ugly time. "Oh, yeah," coughed Marsh, "he's the most handsome little guy I've seen in this room today." The doctor then went on to ask the new mother a series of questions about her intake of alcohol, Mountain Dew, Wal Mart, and NASCAR during her pregnancy. Later, out in the hallway, the good doctor was heard to mutter, "Wow, I need a drink."

Mary, the only mother that could love that face, was too far in the clouds to notice the repugnance of her offspring. "He's so unique. Just look at his wrinkled little forehead. Awwww." Stevenson declared that her new little guy might just be the next Brad Pitt or David Beckham, while everyone else in the nursery agreed aloud, and then rolled their eyes and thought, "More like Steve Buscemi".

Even the unsightly infant's father, Emmit, was a little unnerved by the sight of his new bundle of joy. "I just hope I don't put the diaper on the wrong end."

Tebow's Mother Warns "You Might Stick That Way"

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a frantic phone call placed late Sunday night, Janice Tebow, mother of Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow, warned her son of the dangers of over-posing. "Timothy", she said, "every time I see footage of you, dear, you are knelt down with your fist up to you forehead. If you keep doing that, honey, you're going to stick that way."

Janice has always looked out for her only son, saving him from such deformities as "permanent silly face", "t.v. crosseyedness", and "masturbation blindness". "How can my little man continue to throw the football to the other football guys if his fist is stuck to his forehead?" asked Tebow when reached for comment. "I know in sports you can hurt your arms or legs pretty bad, but he's really asking for it with all that posing."

Ever since his impressive career with the Florida Gators, Tebow has shown his religious devotion by kneeling in a prayer-like pose after national championships, Heisman trophies, wins, touchdowns, first downs, complete passes, field goals, official challenges, successful huddles, Gatorade breaks, and both before and after the singing of the Star Spangled Banner. His poor mother has spent the past six years beside herself with worry that her "special little guy" could lose it all if he gets stuck that way.

"My neighbor, Teri Mayber's son, Josh, got his finger stuck in his nose and he's stuck that way forever! How awful that must be for them", cried Ms. Tebow as she begged and pleaded with her son to "please stop posing so much, or at least change it up a bit." As every mother knows, the dangers of "sticking that way" are all around us. Her hand had to be surgically removed from young Tim's before he could attend kindergarten.

In a family press release sent out early Monday morning, Tebow responded "Oh, Mom."

Hip Three Year Old Ruins Christmas

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a recent terrorism plot acted out on December 5, 28 preschoolers' hopes and dreams were dashed by area youngster Elijah Robbins. The St. Louis class was shattered by the outburst shortly before nap time on Monday.

"Nuh Uh, Santa Claus isn't real! He's not in this world!" exclaimed young Robbins shortly after the graham crackers had been consumed, resulting in horrified screams and chaos. Kids were hiding under desks covering their ears, closing their eyes, and crying "La La La La I can't hear you!"

Three and a half year old Penny Whilmer, classmate of the troubled Robbins, just sat in the corner, shaking. "How could anyone say such a thing? If Santa's not real, who's gonna bring Christmas?"

When reached for comment, Elija's mother Bethany Robbins responded with little remorse. "He asked if Santa was really real and we told him the truth. Were we supposed to lie to him?"

The St. Louis Board of Toddler Education will meet Thursday to determine whether this aggression should be charged as a hate crime or should be dismissed under the "Kids Say the Darndest Things" act of 1986, sponsored by long time Children's Rights activist, Bill Cosby. Until then, the case is under further investigation.