Poacher Acquitted After Siting "Coming Right For Me" Defense

Raul Kemp
Reporter

This week, in possibly the most publicized poaching trial of the century, Manny Whorley was acquitted of second degree poaching, as well as animal-slaughter after he insisted that the black bear he killed was "coming right for" him. North Carolina is among the handful of states that have the ICRFM law, as well as Mississippi, Georgia, Tennessee, Alabama, Florida, and Wisconsin. Needless to say, this verdict has caused a national uproar amongst animal lovers.

Whorley, an outdoor enthusiast was patrolling his side of the mountain when suddenly a young black bear crossed the trail about 20 yards away. Although he was scared shitless, Manny stood his ground and yelled for the bear to "go on, get!". When the bear stood up on its hind legs and roared with contempt, Whorley screamed "it's comin' right for me!" and shot the unarmed bear right in the skull.

Mr. Whorley has since verbally justified his killing as self defense. "I told that bear to go on, but he didn't listen. It looked like he was thinking about maybe considering doing something that might have had the potential to be possibly harmful to me."

Friends and family of the bear are understandably outraged. His mother said, in a press release, "This didn't have to happen. My offspring was just wandering through the woods looking for berries. He meant no harm, he was such a good cub."

When the media grabbed the story, it blew up into a national headline. Hunters and hikers applauded Whorley for his bravery, while PETA supporters such as Pamela Anderson and Ace Ventura demanded justice. The trial turned into a circus and by the time the verdict was delivered, rural areas around the country were planning to deal with riots and copycat killings.

The Governor of North Carolina, who I'm sure has a name, has promised to pass a "Bear Patrol Tax, in addition to vowing to look closer at the ICRFM law and try to clear up some of the grey areas. Citizens of the state have expressed concerns that anyone with a high powered rifle can just wipe out a harmless Black Bear without proper provocation, while the Bear community is running for the hills.

"I just don't feel safe in my grove anymore," one area Black Bear worries. "Heaven forbid one of my cubs comes across one of these lunatics in the woods and gets killed. There's just no decency anymore."

At press time, regardless of multiple death threats and confused looks from bears, Whorley has resumed his post of "Woods Protector" and is keeping his side of the mountain securely bear free.