Local Cashier Gives 98 Cent Change

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In the biggest dick move in recent retail history, hole in the wall convenience store operator Ivan Avir gave a local smoker 98 cents in change in a routine cigarette transaction. When customer Jeremy Lantello handed over a five and sadly admitted to not having two loose pennies, that ass hole shrugged, said "Ooooo, K", and gave him a handful of loose coins.

"Usually, I just take a couple of pennies out of the tray," a clearly agitated Lantello lamented. "Or the cashier isn't a complete prick and just says don't worry about it." Jeremy is said to "hate having change in his pockets", citing "always falling into the couch" as a primary reason.

Bastard cashier Avir, when questioned, had another side to the story. "If I give two penny here, two penny there, I lose lots of penny. I have family need penny."

This is not the first time that this dick weed has been accused of not providing top notch service. In December 2007, he kept the beer coolers locked until way after 12:15 p.m. on a Sunday, and in July 2003, a young lady urinated herself as Avir told her she "couldn't use the bathroom unless she bought something."

"This bathroom for pay customers only. Flush cost penny, wash cost penny. You no pay, you no use," he barked as the girl allegedly stood there in her own puddle and whimpered. The miserable fuckwad has reportedly saved himself over three and a half dollars by making sure not to "just be cool" and waive off small amounts of change.

The local Chamber of Commerce has began an investigation into the store in question. "How could someone be such a dick," useless elected official Glenda Streem wonders. "There has to be something else going on here. You just don't treat people like garbage for no reason." There will be a hearing later this week to determine just how big of an ass hole this guy really is, and if that jerk-off is found to indeed be a miserable ass bag, he will be forced to close his store and leave town.

Local residents report to have banded together and pledged to go across the street to the Mapco in protest of the so-called "Circle K Shithead". "That dude sucks ass", high school junior Cody Parish witnessed. "He yells at us when we skate in the parking lot, and he won't let us buy beer. I hope his store burns down."

House Plant "Over It"

Raul Kemp
Reporter

This week, in an act of final despair, a Nashville Peace Lilly threw its arms up and screamed "I'm so over this shit!" It seems the house plant's frustrations have been building for some time, and this weekend, it finally reached its breaking point.

"I mean, I had plans to see the world, experience seasons, maybe ride in a hot air balloon. Now look at me. I sit here next to the T.V. and watch this chubby dude sit on his ass and eat frozen pizza all day. This is not how I pictured my life."

The Lilly's roommate, Jason, was surprised by Monday's emotional outburst. "I don't get it. It seemed fine this summer when it was out on the porch. Wait, wait, I guess it was a little droopy when I got back from being out of town for two weeks, but it perked right up when I watered it. I thought it was fine."

"That's just it", yelled the Lilly, "I'm smart, attractive, and funny, and here I am living with this ass-hat! I have to almost die just to get some fuckin' water around here! Jeez, really?"

Although the relationship is in turmoil, Jason still recalls the good times. "There was the time I moved it to a bigger pot, and that funny joke it told me about the Rabbi, the Priest, and Madonna. I guess if it's not happy, it's free to go at any time. No one's holding a gun to its head."

At press time, the Plant was looking at other options. Such life changes may include a new place, a better pot, or even just going on a cruise for a few days to refresh.

Man Starts Blog, Considers Self Writer

Raul Kemp
Reporter

Local window installer Pete Howard has entered the blogosphere with excitement and has already glossed himself a "writer". With this new internet platform, Howard has quickly started telling people about his new venture.

"It's great", says Pete, "before when I was picking up chicks, I had to tell them about my boring job. Now, I can add "writer" to that line and I automatically sound smarter and more refined. I'm totally gonna get laid."

Howard's sophomore English teacher, Mrs. Stanton, had a different response. "When I had Pete, he could barely string a complete thought together, use proper grammar, or even spell correctly. I wouldn't call him a "writer" so much, more of a guy with a laptop."

Not to be discouraged, Howard had added "writer" to his Facebook profile, bought a thesaurus, and started answering Craigslist ads in the "writing" jobs section.

"This blog is gonna be awesome", Howard says giddily. "I'm gonna reach thousands of people all over the world, and they're all gonna agree with me and encourage my opinions. I can't wait to spread my knowledge with the whole web."

So far, the blog has included posts about Pete's favorite Chili's menu items, a review of recent blockbuster "Harold and Kumar Christmas 3-D", and a list of local bartenders he would love to bang. In the future, Howard hopes to include stories about his dog, Poster, and a weekly top ten list.

When reached for comment, the internet responded, "Meh."

ZZ Top Breaks Up To Shave

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a recent press conference, ZZ Top announced that they were calling it quits so they could finally shave. The band has been known for their trademark beards since the mid 70's, and they seem to have finally gotten tired of them. At the end of this year's tour, they will finally break up, and head home to their perpetually neglected razors.

"I don't know man, I think it might be nice to be clean shaven for once," noted guitarist Billy Gibbons. "Having to spend a half hour vacuuming crumbs out after every meal gets tiring day in and day out ya know? I just want to be able to enjoy my face a little more. And just once, I wanna please a woman without all that bush in the way, mine that is."

The trio has resisted shaving lo these many years, in an attempt to keep their image, as well as not to confuse their loyal fan base. The great "trimming" of 1988 threw their whole career into jeopardy when fans just couldn't identify with their bewhiskered heroes, even when they just took off a few inches. "It just wasn't the same. I mean, it was them, but something just seemed different", remembers long time Top fan Bubba McGinley. "It's like when Samson shaved his beard man, he lost all his fuckin' strength."

"There's been a ton of great times with my beard dude. I mean, the ladies always loved it brushin' against their titties, it kept me warm in the winters, and airport security never searched this thing. I could always bring all the cocaine and guns I wanted on the plane," bassist Dusty Hill fondly remembers. "I guess everything has to come to an end, and I just wanted to shave it off now so I could have some years to enjoy it."

The band, always looking for ways to give back to the community, have decided to donate their shavings to Chops of Tomorrow, a nationwide charity which provides whiskers to those who are unable to grow beards. "It will be nice to help those people man", said Gibbons. "Those poor bastards have gone their whole lives not knowing the glory and wonder of having over 13 inches of hair hangin' off their chin. That just ain't right y'all, plus, I just can't wait to bust out the old clippers. Shavin' my balls just ain't the same, ya know?"

When asked how he would spend his retirement, drummer Frank Beard replied, "I don't know, but I sure as shit ain't gonna shave for a while."

Tebow's Mother Warns "You Might Stick That Way"

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a frantic phone call placed late Sunday night, Janice Tebow, mother of Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow, warned her son of the dangers of over-posing. "Timothy", she said, "every time I see footage of you, dear, you are knelt down with your fist up to you forehead. If you keep doing that, honey, you're going to stick that way."

Janice has always looked out for her only son, saving him from such deformities as "permanent silly face", "t.v. crosseyedness", and "masturbation blindness". "How can my little man continue to throw the football to the other football guys if his fist is stuck to his forehead?" asked Tebow when reached for comment. "I know in sports you can hurt your arms or legs pretty bad, but he's really asking for it with all that posing."

Ever since his impressive career with the Florida Gators, Tebow has shown his religious devotion by kneeling in a prayer-like pose after national championships, Heisman trophies, wins, touchdowns, first downs, complete passes, field goals, official challenges, successful huddles, Gatorade breaks, and both before and after the singing of the Star Spangled Banner. His poor mother has spent the past six years beside herself with worry that her "special little guy" could lose it all if he gets stuck that way.

"My neighbor, Teri Mayber's son, Josh, got his finger stuck in his nose and he's stuck that way forever! How awful that must be for them", cried Ms. Tebow as she begged and pleaded with her son to "please stop posing so much, or at least change it up a bit." As every mother knows, the dangers of "sticking that way" are all around us. Her hand had to be surgically removed from young Tim's before he could attend kindergarten.

In a family press release sent out early Monday morning, Tebow responded "Oh, Mom."

Hip Three Year Old Ruins Christmas

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a recent terrorism plot acted out on December 5, 28 preschoolers' hopes and dreams were dashed by area youngster Elijah Robbins. The St. Louis class was shattered by the outburst shortly before nap time on Monday.

"Nuh Uh, Santa Claus isn't real! He's not in this world!" exclaimed young Robbins shortly after the graham crackers had been consumed, resulting in horrified screams and chaos. Kids were hiding under desks covering their ears, closing their eyes, and crying "La La La La I can't hear you!"

Three and a half year old Penny Whilmer, classmate of the troubled Robbins, just sat in the corner, shaking. "How could anyone say such a thing? If Santa's not real, who's gonna bring Christmas?"

When reached for comment, Elija's mother Bethany Robbins responded with little remorse. "He asked if Santa was really real and we told him the truth. Were we supposed to lie to him?"

The St. Louis Board of Toddler Education will meet Thursday to determine whether this aggression should be charged as a hate crime or should be dismissed under the "Kids Say the Darndest Things" act of 1986, sponsored by long time Children's Rights activist, Bill Cosby. Until then, the case is under further investigation.

Ball Judge Has Soft Hands

Raul Kemp
Reporter

After the first quarter of the '11 NFL season, Ball Judge Jim Bynes is on track to complete 67 percent of toss backs from ball carriers. If he can keep up this pace, he will almost assuredly surpass his previous personal best of 59 percent from the '06 campaign.

Although the sure hands of this prolific BJ are a large component of this statistic, almost equally critical are the efforts of his pass providers, NFL receivers, running backs and QB's. Having officiated games for teams such as The Patriots, Titans, and Lions in the first quarter has certainly boosted his Bynes' stats due to the fact that these teams practice tossing the ball back to the official at the end of the play.

"The play's not over until the ball is secure in the Ball Judge's hands. At least that's how we feel", Titans running back Javon Ringer said after last Sunday's win in Cleveland. "How can we start the next play if the ball's floppin' around on the ground?"

League official Mark Stowe said in a recent statement "We are proud of Judge Bynes, especially after last season's incident, when he went 0-23 in the Redskins/Cowboys game. Wow, that had to be embarrassing."

That game must have left a mark on Bynes, because in the first quarter of this year's season, he has already completed nearly a hundred flips, tosses, and heaves directed to him.

When asked about the recent turn around, Bynes replied, "I have to credit my wife for increasing my focus with "think fast" drills around the house in every day life. If I drop one more saucer, I think she might throw a flag, huh huh."

Bynes will face a mid-season challenge when he faces teams such as The Jaguars, Colts, Seahawks, and Falcons. These teams have put up perennially poor numbers with their ball judges in recent years, and their completions this season have not improved.

"I'm just gonna take it one ball at a time, and try to zero in on every lob. If I can get past this next few weeks, I should be right in the zone."