BRAVO Announces Reality Show About Reality Show

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a recent press release, executives at BRAVO have announced that they will be pursuing a reality based show called "Reality Show." Press Correspondent Connie Sherman said that "the idea of a show where camera crews follow camera crews who are filming another show would double output, as well as continue to deliver the high quality programming we strive to provide."

"Nothing creates more drama than surly camera guys, 20 hour work days, and uptight producers," reported Sherman, who added, "This was just too good to pass up."

While the benefits of filming two shows at a time are obvious, producers were concerned with the possibilities of spilling too many of the "Reality Show" industry secrets such as staged segments and coerced confessionals.

"There are a lot of things we don't necessarily want the public to see, as far as behind the scenes goes. This could expose a lot of dirty tricks that most people don't know about. We might end up totally destroying the reality show genre," reported Director of Photography Mack Shane. "That could be interesting."

Concerns aside,this achievement marks the first time two separate shows have simultaneously been recorded. The Center For American Television Information Research Control concluded that studies proved no other programs had ever been produced in unison. According to the nerds at the CFATIRC, this is "a pretty fuckin' big deal."

"Reality Show" has been signed for its first 12 episodes and is set to premier in the fall rotation of 2013. However, Bravo suits are still believed to be searching for the other show, referred to as "the base". Insiders say the base may or may not include "a Hilton, a Kardashian, a Situation, a housewife, an auction, dancing, dating, drinking, a dozen kids, the police, a pawn shop, motorcycles, gay fashion designers, chefs, cakes, tow trucks, dog trainers, singers, fisherman, one great big awesome house, and/or Corey Feldman." The search evidently continues.

NBA Jealous Of NCAA

Raul Kemp
Reporter

This week, as the NCAA March Madness festivities begin, the NBA has been found sitting in a corner pouting over the lack of attention it has received. The poor league is upset that, in the midst of its playoff push, no one really gives a damn who wins between the Oklahoma Thunder and the Miami Heat.

"We're here too ya know, the NCAA isn't the only basketball around", cried the Heat, who were sniffling and wiping their eyes as the college teams got all the attention. "It's just not fair."

In an attempt to compete with March Madness, the NBA has decided to incorporate such promotions as "Big Ball Night", "February Foul-a-Thon", and "Time Out Fest", all of which have failed miserably in attempts to draw viewers away from the national tournament.

When reached for comment, the NCAA replied, "This is our time. We have 10,574 teams, and we need to see which one can end up randomly at the end. The only way to do this is to spend a month, in addition to our full season, finding out which one team is the absolute best. We can't help it if no one cares about the NBA during this time, maybe they should change their formula."

In response, the NBA cried, "It's just not fair. Who would ever watch the June Jubilee or the Tremendous Thirty? What are we supposed to do?"

The only other possible remedies appear to be either banging a Kardashian, or sending NBA players back to college to drum up interest in the asinine association. At press time, such stars as Kobe Bryant and that Lebron character have enrolled in college for the first time with hopes of drawing more attention to their lifeless league. Attempts have also been made at getting Kim Kardashian's number.

Fast Food Fish Found Most Meat-Like

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a scientific study completed earlier this week, the product packaged as fish in most fast food restaurants was found to be most comparable to meat. The research compared beef, chicken and fish, and found the contents of the McFish, the Fish Sandwich, and the King Fish to be most meat-like.

The Center For Dietary Achievement And Ethical Consumer Information (CFDAAECI) recruited the top professors, doctors, and fast food authorities to lead the investigation into what really is going into these sandwiches we all love to eat and depend on for proper nutrition. The team worked around the clock for weeks and made some startling discoveries.

The "beef" samples were reported to contain traces of tree bark, brick, and dog food. Small amounts of motor oil were also found. In addition, the "chicken" samples allegedly contained large doses of cardboard, sawdust, and recycled water bottles. The "fish" on the other hand was composed mostly of Grass Carp, while still a disgusting product, technically a fish.

The CFDAAECI is currently working to advance legislation requiring fast food establishments to display a small, black and white flier with unreadable print containing the molecular buildup of the meat they are selling. Managers nationwide plan to locate the flier at the end of the counter next to the "Employees Must Wash Hands" sign.

Guy Pretends To Give A Shit

Raul Kemp
Reporter

Last night, on a sidewalk downtown, local bar patron Jerry Meskew sat and pretended to be interested while the cute girl he was smoking with talked continuously for a long time. Through a series of sensitive nods and humorous interjections, Meskew really made it look like he gave a shit.

While the man was generally glad to be spending time with such an attractive lady, it really took some will power to fain interest in her stories of past boyfriends, job woes, and trials of home ownership. As the hottie went on and on about the long terrible day she was having, Meskew sat and listened quietly and hoped she might go out with him someday. "I don't talk to many girls, so when they just start blathering on, it makes the conversation that much easier. Plus it leaves less room for me to say something stupid."

32 year old Carrie had reportedly just had a rough day, and simply needed someone to vent to. "My water heater's broke, my ex sent me a mean text message, my yard's all overgrown, I lost money at work, my parents are coming to visit for a whole month, this creepy guy tried to hit on me, my cat won't stop puking, my car has a funny smell, I dropped my cell phone in a bowl of chili, one of my eyes hurts, my best friend's pregnant, I have to get my taxes done, I'm having lady troubles, I always date the wrong kind of guys, my bank is closed on Monday for some reason, there's a bulb out on one of my porch lights, I have this weird bump on my shin, my sister won't do the 5k run with me, the weather is uncomfortable somehow, I left my Chapstick at the mall, oh my God, you're such a good listener", she said as her fellow smoker raised his brow intently.

Although it is doubtful that Carrie will ever see Mr. Meskew again, she allegedly appreciated his listening skills. "It's hard to find a guy who just wants to listen. Most guys just sit there and think about banging you while you talk," the young lady complained.

For the record, in addition to appearing to give a shit, Jerry was just sitting there thinking about banging her while she talked.