Chick-Fil-A Defends Lack Of Mayonnaise

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a statement released earlier today, Chick-Fil-A Ceo Dan Cathy has come out in defense of his company's refusal to include mayonnaise on their most popular sandwich. This stance has caused quite an uproar among the fast food community, garnering loads of customer mail and viral response.

"We live in a country that allows us to put whatever we want on our sandwiches," claims Cathy. "Our company is based on family values and conservative beliefs and mayonnaise just doesn't fit in with the way we want to run our business." The corporation has long been known for their convictions, such as being closed on Sundays, and only serving special "Chick-Fil-A Delicious Sauce" on the side.

Condiment's rights activist Suni Paxton is outraged by the fast food company's outrageous position, stating that a crispy chicken sandwich is "right where mayo should be".

"You're trying to tell me that two pieces of bread, a slab of chicken, and a pickle slice constitutes a sandwich? Everyone knows that a dry sandwich is unacceptable. Don't try to push your beliefs on me. I should have every right to slather on whichever condiment I see fit," Paxton said in her own impassioned response. She has partnered with the Coalition for the Advancement of Condiments and Other  Dressings, or CACOD, to organize an nationwide strike of the once popular food chain.

"We know it may be an unpopular stance", defends Cathy, "but we feel that we have to stand behind what we believe in, and that is dry chicken."

When reached for comment, Hardees/Carl's Jr. CEO Mark Ruffeld said, "We respect everyone's right to serve or not serve whatever they like. We however believe in supporting all condiments, be they white, yellow, red, or a creamy orange mix."

At press time, Ketchup was offered for the waffle style french fries, but customers using the red sauce continue to be under close watch.

Training Wheels Come Off

Raul Kemp
Reporter

After the first dozen stages of the Tour De France, 10 year old Canadian cyclist Pierre Demit finally feels comfortable enough to take his training wheels off. Although there is no official rule against "balance enhancement accessories", or B.E.A's, the World Cycling Partnership is encouraging this move.  Most cycling experts predict this will improve his performance.

"I got my tight spandex outfit, I got my space age wind tunnel helmet, and I got my speedy sunglasses. Now without those training wheels, I'll be able to zoom right through France," commented Pierre as he inserted an ace of spades into his rear spokes. The young athlete began learning to ride his bike at the end of last summer, with all of the essential safety equipment. The training wheels were a necessity before, "but not now," exclaimed Demit, "I can do it all by myself!"

There was some concern earlier this year when Pierre had a crash, jeopardizing his chances of  competing in the 2012 tour with a severely skinned knee. The youngster was involved in a multi-bike accident in a neighborhood race and received a strawberry so big, it needed two band-aids. He admits that he's trying to be brave, even though he's a little scared.

"That man's a hero," declared local cycling enthusiast Ray Bowman. "With all he's been through, he still is able to muster up enough courage to compete in this grueling bike race. Just remarkable, really." 

After the accident, Pierre started training in his subdivision. He would ride down to the clubhouse, around the pool, and back to his house. He even trained at night after he got a headlight for his birthday. Now, after months of rehab and hard work, he feels like he's finally ready to take off the training wheels and mature into a real cyclist.

The tour is scheduled to continue on through the middle of the streets of France for another few days. Demit's B.E.A. removal leaves only 9 remaining training wheel users, all of whom are still getting the hang of riding a two wheeler. Pierre is said to be planning an ice cream party at the finish line.