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Chickens Boycott Chick-Fil-A

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In response to the controversial statements from the CEO of Chick-Fil-A regarding the fact that he gives a shit what gay people do,  chickens nationwide are turning their backs on the fried food chain. Gina Benson, the head of the Union of American Chickens, gave a press conference today and explained the species' position.

"Due to the recent quotes from headquarters, we, here at the UAC, will be forced to protest Chick-Fil-A restaurants across the nation," said Benson. "We will no longer strive to give them the healthiest, tastiest carcasses and/or embryos we, as chickens, can provide. We felt fine giving our lives for their profits, but if they want to have their own opinions, and express them out loud, then that's where we draw the line. That's just unacceptable."

The birds have apparently banded together in support of equal rights, for both humans and chickens, and have given generous contributions to these causes, as well as breast and thigh cancer research. There are reported to be over 50 million chickens in America, 98 percent of whom produce both eggs and delicious white and dark meats.

If the two sides can't come to an agreement, this action could affect markets all over the United States. 93 Percent of all eggs sold come from chickens, making them the most popular layers in the country. If those eggs aren't readily available, the effects of this dispute could be felt by everyone from Shoney's buffet patrons to Easter enthusiasts to Italian Stallions in training.

Chickens protest in the streets of America

However, some of the feathered foul aren't as quick to disagree.

"I think we had a pretty good thing worked out with those Fil-A guys. They feed us and let us party for a year or so and then we get made into delicious food. It's a win win situation. Do you know how much great food I got to eat, or how many hens I got to bang?  I tell ya, it was the best year ever. I'm really gonna miss that life", lamented local frat-rooster Jeremy Reece from his single square foot cage. He is scheduled for the chopping block this weekend, unbeknownst to him, in preparation for a barbeque at the lake.

In response to the response, there have started to be grass roots  movements within the younger chicken community pleading with the uptight foul to just chill out and live life to the fullest. Lay-Ins have been staged in coops around the nation, car wash fund raisers have been thrown, and benefit concerts have been played, all showing contempt for the opinionated grown ups.

The Chicken's Union head says that this aggression will continue until the company shuts up and minds its own business, which is making sub par dry chicken sandwiches and waffle fries. Another acceptable solution would be the local news channel's future refusal to report the political and religious views of fast food jockeys. At press time, no agreement had been reached and the protests were still underway.