Canadian Mobster Not A Good Mobster

Raul Kemp
Reporter

According to a recent New York City poll, Jimmy "The Moose" Adams is the worst mobster involved in organized crime today. In an overwhelming majority, those polled listed the native Canadian as the least intimidating, most worthless Made Man in the entire country.

Upon arriving in New York in 1998, The Moose aspired to start his own crime family, and "run those worthless Italians and Russians right out of town." He set up shop in Times Square and before long was conning tourists out of their lemonade money. Within a two years, he had control of every hotdog stand in the area, or so he thought.

Local vendor Tony LaRone recalls a different scenario. "The Moose? Isn't that the guy who used to threaten me with a rolled up newspaper if I didn't pay him off? Yeah, right. I squirted some mustard on his shirt and he ran away yelling something French. I thought he was kidding."

Born in Edmonton in the 60's, Adams was the son of a ice farmer. He always had dreams of leaving the snow behind and making a new life for himself. After being influenced by Johnny Depp's performance in "Donnie Brasco", he dubbed himself "The Moose" and headed for the big city. He had some moderate early success importing Labatt's beer, but since the turn of the century, Adams has fallen even further down the organized crime chain. Now, over 25 years later, he is the apparent laughingstock of the neighborhood.

"Anyone that likes their kneecaps better give me what I want, eh?" threatens the denim covered goon. Although he talks tough, Adams has never so much as skinned anyone's knee. His worst transgression was the time he poured chocolate milk on an old lady who refused to pay to use his crosswalk. Most of the small business owners in the district know The Moose as "that guy with the high pitched voice who keeps coming in asking for free stuff".

"He's got it all wrong", says local soap shop owner Lisa Parnell. "Why would I pay him? He never does anything and I'm certainly not intimidated by his ownership of hot coffee, nor his knowledge of how to use it."

The Moose has decided that if things don't pick up in the next year, he's going to move his operation to a smaller market. "I don't know, maybe Memphis or Philadelphia. Those towns don't seem to have much crime. I bet I could clean up there."

When reached for comment, the FBI didn't appear the slight bit interested.

Man Marries Pretty Cool Girl

Raul Kemp
Reporter

Ashley Perkins was one lucky lady when she met Chance Bradley at late one night at an IHOP after a Widespread Panic concert in 2010. "He was nice and he bought me a couple milkshakes and we smoked a joint in his car," she says. "We saw each other around town after that, and quickly became friends. We were "attached at the hip". That was our little thing. Then, at his 22nd birthday party, we banged."

After just a few short months, the young couple was deep in love. Ashley moved in with her new beau, and Chance had feelings he had reportedly "never felt before." It was no surprise when only having been together for a year, the starry eyed lovers were engaged.

"I knew she was the one for me," Chance gushed. "She likes all the same Bugs Bunny episodes as I do, and she can totally drink more Jager than anyone else I know. It's like we're always finishing each others' sandwiches. Plus, look at THOSE!"

The unemployed amorous twosome was married in a sunset service on Orange County Beach in South Alabama in front of 40 friends, family members, and dogs. "It was the best day of my life, a beautiful dream come true," declared Mary. "We are so in love, it just feels right. It's almost like we're already an old married couple, except we never fight. Never."

The whimsical newlyweds were said to have enjoyed an impassioned honeymoon at the Four Winds Resort across the street from the beach. And now that they have been married for only a few brief months, the dreamy tandem feels "almost like we're closer than before," as Ty lovingly grinned. "She's cool. I don't think I could ever do any better. Yeah, she's a pretty hot chick."

At press time, there was rumored to be a surprise baby addition on it's way to the enchanted young family. The pair is reported to be "stoked."

Open Mic Artist Has New CD Out (News Flash)

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a recent statement made at this week's Friday Night Mics, local singer/songwriter Jason Hills has announced that he has a new CD out. Most of the night's selections, including "She's My Kind Of Crazy", and "Rain Falls Skyward" were from this new release. Hills' most recent collection, titled "Coffee Table Songs", just came out a few weeks ago and is available in the back for a reported five bucks. At press time, a free t-shirt was offered with the purchase of Hills' "new album".

Friends And Family Lie About Ugly Baby

Raul Kemp
Reporter

This week, most of Mary Stevenson's friends and family lied to her about the appearance of her newborn baby Todd. By most human standards, the recent arrival could be described as butt-ugly, but that fact has been overlooked by Stevenson's closest supporters.

"Oh, he's beautiful", gushed Mary's sister Sophie, all the while thinking, "Gosh, that poor bastard's gonna have a rough life with a head shaped like that." Sophie was quite disappointed upon finding out that her first nephew was an ass face. She knew the risks of Ugly Baby Syndrome, or UBS, but never thought it could happen to anyone in her family.

Mary's best friend Jeanna Moore exclaimed, "Oh he looks just like you", which was hard to do while trying to hold back her gag reflex. Moore, upon arriving at the gym hours later, spread the news to the rest of the girls and they quickly decided to "not hang out with that ugly family anymore".

Doctor Marsh, the delivering OB/GYN, tried his best to be supportive in this ugly time. "Oh, yeah," coughed Marsh, "he's the most handsome little guy I've seen in this room today." The doctor then went on to ask the new mother a series of questions about her intake of alcohol, Mountain Dew, Wal Mart, and NASCAR during her pregnancy. Later, out in the hallway, the good doctor was heard to mutter, "Wow, I need a drink."

Mary, the only mother that could love that face, was too far in the clouds to notice the repugnance of her offspring. "He's so unique. Just look at his wrinkled little forehead. Awwww." Stevenson declared that her new little guy might just be the next Brad Pitt or David Beckham, while everyone else in the nursery agreed aloud, and then rolled their eyes and thought, "More like Steve Buscemi".

Even the unsightly infant's father, Emmit, was a little unnerved by the sight of his new bundle of joy. "I just hope I don't put the diaper on the wrong end."

Local Cashier Gives 98 Cent Change

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In the biggest dick move in recent retail history, hole in the wall convenience store operator Ivan Avir gave a local smoker 98 cents in change in a routine cigarette transaction. When customer Jeremy Lantello handed over a five and sadly admitted to not having two loose pennies, that ass hole shrugged, said "Ooooo, K", and gave him a handful of loose coins.

"Usually, I just take a couple of pennies out of the tray," a clearly agitated Lantello lamented. "Or the cashier isn't a complete prick and just says don't worry about it." Jeremy is said to "hate having change in his pockets", citing "always falling into the couch" as a primary reason.

Bastard cashier Avir, when questioned, had another side to the story. "If I give two penny here, two penny there, I lose lots of penny. I have family need penny."

This is not the first time that this dick weed has been accused of not providing top notch service. In December 2007, he kept the beer coolers locked until way after 12:15 p.m. on a Sunday, and in July 2003, a young lady urinated herself as Avir told her she "couldn't use the bathroom unless she bought something."

"This bathroom for pay customers only. Flush cost penny, wash cost penny. You no pay, you no use," he barked as the girl allegedly stood there in her own puddle and whimpered. The miserable fuckwad has reportedly saved himself over three and a half dollars by making sure not to "just be cool" and waive off small amounts of change.

The local Chamber of Commerce has began an investigation into the store in question. "How could someone be such a dick," useless elected official Glenda Streem wonders. "There has to be something else going on here. You just don't treat people like garbage for no reason." There will be a hearing later this week to determine just how big of an ass hole this guy really is, and if that jerk-off is found to indeed be a miserable ass bag, he will be forced to close his store and leave town.

Local residents report to have banded together and pledged to go across the street to the Mapco in protest of the so-called "Circle K Shithead". "That dude sucks ass", high school junior Cody Parish witnessed. "He yells at us when we skate in the parking lot, and he won't let us buy beer. I hope his store burns down."

House Plant "Over It"

Raul Kemp
Reporter

This week, in an act of final despair, a Nashville Peace Lilly threw its arms up and screamed "I'm so over this shit!" It seems the house plant's frustrations have been building for some time, and this weekend, it finally reached its breaking point.

"I mean, I had plans to see the world, experience seasons, maybe ride in a hot air balloon. Now look at me. I sit here next to the T.V. and watch this chubby dude sit on his ass and eat frozen pizza all day. This is not how I pictured my life."

The Lilly's roommate, Jason, was surprised by Monday's emotional outburst. "I don't get it. It seemed fine this summer when it was out on the porch. Wait, wait, I guess it was a little droopy when I got back from being out of town for two weeks, but it perked right up when I watered it. I thought it was fine."

"That's just it", yelled the Lilly, "I'm smart, attractive, and funny, and here I am living with this ass-hat! I have to almost die just to get some fuckin' water around here! Jeez, really?"

Although the relationship is in turmoil, Jason still recalls the good times. "There was the time I moved it to a bigger pot, and that funny joke it told me about the Rabbi, the Priest, and Madonna. I guess if it's not happy, it's free to go at any time. No one's holding a gun to its head."

At press time, the Plant was looking at other options. Such life changes may include a new place, a better pot, or even just going on a cruise for a few days to refresh.

Man Starts Blog, Considers Self Writer

Raul Kemp
Reporter

Local window installer Pete Howard has entered the blogosphere with excitement and has already glossed himself a "writer". With this new internet platform, Howard has quickly started telling people about his new venture.

"It's great", says Pete, "before when I was picking up chicks, I had to tell them about my boring job. Now, I can add "writer" to that line and I automatically sound smarter and more refined. I'm totally gonna get laid."

Howard's sophomore English teacher, Mrs. Stanton, had a different response. "When I had Pete, he could barely string a complete thought together, use proper grammar, or even spell correctly. I wouldn't call him a "writer" so much, more of a guy with a laptop."

Not to be discouraged, Howard had added "writer" to his Facebook profile, bought a thesaurus, and started answering Craigslist ads in the "writing" jobs section.

"This blog is gonna be awesome", Howard says giddily. "I'm gonna reach thousands of people all over the world, and they're all gonna agree with me and encourage my opinions. I can't wait to spread my knowledge with the whole web."

So far, the blog has included posts about Pete's favorite Chili's menu items, a review of recent blockbuster "Harold and Kumar Christmas 3-D", and a list of local bartenders he would love to bang. In the future, Howard hopes to include stories about his dog, Poster, and a weekly top ten list.

When reached for comment, the internet responded, "Meh."