Man Wants White, Gets Black (On Location)

Raul Kemp
Reporter

This happened.

Tonight I headed down to the Melrose Pool Hall to drink some beers and watch Johnny Neel and the New Situation play some songs. Every time I go to this place, I have a small gimmer of hope that I might run into local rock mega bad ass Jack White. It's well known around town that he likes to hang out at this little dive, and I'd love to ask him who the Milk Man is. I figure this may be my best chance to run into my hero, even though rock stars pop up around every corner in this town.

 During the set break, I looked over and saw a familiar face. I asked a friend, "Is that the Black Keys drummer? Or just another East Nashvillian who came across the river with his Steve Urkell glasses and his grandfather's old hat to shoot some pool in the coolest hang in all of town, East or West?" Word on the street was that they had played a show at the Springwater, the other shadiest bar in town, for a video shoot earlier today. Could it be he just needed a little bit more of the common man?  Turns out, yes, it was a Black Key, the drummer I think.

I watched him linger around and then I went back to watching the show, until the night's first call from nature came. An urgent call, one I had been avoiding for as long as I could. As I did the business in the one-seater with the door locked, I heard the line beginning to form outside and the waiters starting to get impatient. I realized this was taking an extra long time, and made a note that I would apologize to whomever was next in line for the extreme duration of my relief. As I hastily skipped the hand wash, I opened the door, and who was standing there but that really tall lanky famous Black Key. As I promised myself I would, I said to him, "Sorry dude, you just waited on the world's longest pee." He shrugged and murmured.

Fast forward, an hour. In enjoying the show thoroughly, I had procrastinated my functions to red alert once again. When I arrived at the watering hole, there was no line, but shortly thereafter, another line stander pulled on the locked door. When I finally finished, I swiftly opened the door only to find the same damned drummer standing there, leaning on one long jangly leg and biting his lip. I erupted with a "HA" and told him, "Sucks we're on the same pee schedule. I'm settin' records tonight." He chuckled, said "Yeah", and rushed inside.

Upon my subsequent return to the can, I saw my pee pal exiting, clearly relieved he had beaten me to the flush finally. We did lock eyes though, and that eye lock said it all.

 

Predators Fans Targeted By Anti-Bullying Group

Raul Kemp
Reporter

After the conference semi-final game 3 in Nashville Wednesday night, an anti-bullying group is targeting Nashville fans for their abuse of the Phoenix Coyote players. The Center For Defense Of The Weak And Pitiful has issued a statement reprimanding the 7th man at Bridgestone Arena for their relentless taunts and jeers aimed at the defenseless Phoenix players.

"It's just not right," commented Pierce Stoller, a spokesman for the CFDOTWAP. "Those poor Coyote players don't deserve that kind of treatment. They have feelings too, and they're doing the best they can."

Coyote team counselor Tammi Wideman is concerned over her workload in the coming week. "Shane Doan is going to need dozens of hugs, and Martin Hanzal, even though he's so hot right now, is going to be inconsolable." Wideman was also worried that if the taunts continue in game 4, the Coyotes will never be the same. "This type of abuse could change a young team forever."

Perhaps the most shaken Coyote will be goaltender Mike Smith. The fans in "Cell Block 303" spent the majority of the game reminding Smith that he sucks and that the resulting goals were "all his fault". "I know they are just words," cried Smith, "but they still hurt. How could fans be so mean? I'm only human."

Even the game's referees Jordi Miren and Sam Lucci weren't safe from the crowd's attacks. Boos and "Ref You Suck!" chants rang through the arena constantly as the poor officials could only hang their heads and try to remember their mothers' advice to the contrary.

Stoller has organized a campaign to boycott the Predators fans for Friday night's game 4. "This kind of bullying will not stand, and I, along with the CFDOTWAP will do everything we can to let the Coyotes know that they are just as special as the Predators, and they are winners no matter what happens."

Pekka Rinne To Face Red Wings Alone

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a press conference Wednesday, Coach Barry Trotz has revealed his game plan for Friday's game 5 against the Detroit Red Wings. The unprecedented strategy will pit goaltender Pekka Rinne against the Wings all by himself.

"We looked at the film from the past couple of games," said Trotz, "and we decided, hell, if we're not gonna shoot the puck, we might as well not even be out there. Let's face it, Pekka has won these games pretty much without any offensive support, so we'll just let him do it his way."

The Predators are ahead in the series 3-1, and believe this next game will be a good time to rest the team. "We believe in Peks," noted goaltender Coach Mitch Korn. "We all know he's the reason we are where we are. The playoffs are hard, and the guys are tired, so we figure we will let him stop a couple hundred shots for 58 minutes, then score one when they pull their goalie."

After turning in several periods in which the Predators failed to put more than five or six shots on net, the team feels like if they just stay out of Rinne's way, he can pull out the win alone.

When asked for his opinion on the situation, Rinne replied "Um, Ok. Wait, what?"

Predators Crush Red Wings In Game 2

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In game 2 of the NHL Western Conference Quarterfinals Friday night, the Nashville Predators completely crushed the Detroit Red Wings in a "who can pass it around more" contest. The Preds proved to the nation that in the pointless passing department, they are kings.

In a show of passing genius, the Predators made over 600 passes, including 368 power play passes. They only paused to put four shots on goal during a half dozen man advantages, and somehow managed to score two goals. If they counted incomplete and intercepted passes, Nashville would have certainly broken numerous records.

In a post game interview, Head Coach Barry Trotz seemed proud of his team. "I'm happy with the way we played tonight. We didn't score many goals, but I think our passing is right where it needs to be. I definitely believe we can out-pass the Wings in this series. If we just stay with our system and pass the puck around, we'll be alright."

With world class passers such as David Legwand and Martin Erat, the Predators are on pace to out-pass every single team in the first round of the playoffs. Legwand led the league in total passes in the 2012 regular season, and Erat had 1473 power play passes this year, also number one in the NHL. Not to mention team Captain Shea Weber, who clocked the league's fastest pass, registering over 100 miles per hour.

When asked about what to expect for game 3, Coach Trotz said there would hours of work on the penalty kill and more focus on their dumping and chasing. Forward Colin Wilson is expected to be listed as a scratch for Sunday's game, with coaches continuing to worry about his over-shooting.

Producer Produces Produce (News Flash)

Raul Kemp
Reporter

Nashville Music Row Producer Slim Jonas has successfully propagated and harvested four tomato plants this year. In a raised 8'x8' garden bed behind his East Nashville home, Slim cultivated over a dozen delicious fresh tomatoes. "I make music, I make hits, and now, I make savory produce", Jonas grinned as he held his bounty. "I think this summer, I might try growing some beans, or peppers. Mmm, that sounds good." At press time, the producer was planning a fresh tomato basil pasta dish, and maybe some BLTs for lunch with his wife.

Beans Proven Not Musical Fruit

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a recent study published by the National Institute of Natural Bodily Reactions, beans have been proven to not indeed be the "musical fruit". After extensive research, beans have now been labeled as the "musical legume."

"This misnomer has been around for years," informed Professor Malcom Bezwell. "We all know the rhyme, but really, beans are not a fruit at all. Actually, you could call grapes or strawberries the musical fruit. Those are actually fruits."

When reached for comment, Beans were said to be relieved to finally disprove the little saying. "All this time, we knew we weren't a fruit, but we went with it because it was such great advertising. Now that it's out in the open, we can go on with our lives. I guess we should change the saying to beans, beans, the musical legume. The more you eat, the more you fume."

In addition to disproving the longstanding beans rumor, the NIONBR is looking into the falsehoods including pants catching on fire due to lying, and nana nana boo boo causing one to stick one's head in doo doo.

U.S. Seeks Part Time Job

Raul Kemp
Reporter

This week, facing numerous bills and late notices, the United States has decided to go out and get a part time job. With debts and outstanding balances in the trillions, the U.S. hopes that a little extra income will help out.

With a resume that includes hosting, conquering, willy-nilly spending, and bi-partisan bickering, the greatest land in all the world is hoping to qualify for numerous positions. "They're hiring at Target," the once rich country lamented, "I guess I could be a cashier, or maybe I could wait tables down at Ruby Tuesday's."

After years of irresponsible financial squandering, the invoices, late notices, and even liens have started to pile up. Countries such as China and Russia have started to put pressure on the land of the free to at least start a payment program to bring these balances closer to good standing. Even America's hat, Canada, has started to make uncomfortable comments towards the debt.

"I mean, they owe us billions of dollars, and yet here they are going out to sporting events, eating fancy meals, and buying expensive cars. If they can afford all that, then surely they can afford to pay us back," commented an obviously irritated Canada. "They need to get a job."

The U.S. hopes that by growing up a little and showing some responsibility, it might gain back some respect from the rest of the world. "It will be nice to have a little income, even though having to work sucks. I hear the bowling alley is hiring. That might be fun."

At press time, the United States is hoping for at least ten bucks an hour, and will reportedly only be available Monday thru Thursday evenings.