Poacher Acquitted After Siting "Coming Right For Me" Defense

Raul Kemp
Reporter

This week, in possibly the most publicized poaching trial of the century, Manny Whorley was acquitted of second degree poaching, as well as animal-slaughter after he insisted that the black bear he killed was "coming right for" him. North Carolina is among the handful of states that have the ICRFM law, as well as Mississippi, Georgia, Tennessee, Alabama, Florida, and Wisconsin. Needless to say, this verdict has caused a national uproar amongst animal lovers.

Whorley, an outdoor enthusiast was patrolling his side of the mountain when suddenly a young black bear crossed the trail about 20 yards away. Although he was scared shitless, Manny stood his ground and yelled for the bear to "go on, get!". When the bear stood up on its hind legs and roared with contempt, Whorley screamed "it's comin' right for me!" and shot the unarmed bear right in the skull.

Mr. Whorley has since verbally justified his killing as self defense. "I told that bear to go on, but he didn't listen. It looked like he was thinking about maybe considering doing something that might have had the potential to be possibly harmful to me."

Friends and family of the bear are understandably outraged. His mother said, in a press release, "This didn't have to happen. My offspring was just wandering through the woods looking for berries. He meant no harm, he was such a good cub."

When the media grabbed the story, it blew up into a national headline. Hunters and hikers applauded Whorley for his bravery, while PETA supporters such as Pamela Anderson and Ace Ventura demanded justice. The trial turned into a circus and by the time the verdict was delivered, rural areas around the country were planning to deal with riots and copycat killings.

The Governor of North Carolina, who I'm sure has a name, has promised to pass a "Bear Patrol Tax, in addition to vowing to look closer at the ICRFM law and try to clear up some of the grey areas. Citizens of the state have expressed concerns that anyone with a high powered rifle can just wipe out a harmless Black Bear without proper provocation, while the Bear community is running for the hills.

"I just don't feel safe in my grove anymore," one area Black Bear worries. "Heaven forbid one of my cubs comes across one of these lunatics in the woods and gets killed. There's just no decency anymore."

At press time, regardless of multiple death threats and confused looks from bears, Whorley has resumed his post of "Woods Protector" and is keeping his side of the mountain securely bear free.

Star Wars Fan Still Lives With Parents

Raul Kemp
Reporter

This week, The Monocle Press has discovered a lifelong Star Wars fan currently unemployed and living with his parents.  Six year old Amos Brendan has been reportedly crashing at his Mom and Dad's place and not at all ashamed of his current situation.

"It's really not that bad," defends Amos, "I get to spend all of my money on cool Star Wars toys, I watch Star Wars every day, and I get a free place to live. What's not to love? I have a whole collection, gross girls leave me alone, and I can even sing the Imperial Death March "

No matter how much ridicule his classmates and coworkers pile on him, Amos doesn't seem to be phased by the fact that he still lives under his folks' roof and has to live by their rules as long as he wants to continue this obsession. Statistics show that as much as 11 percent of male Star Wars Fans grow up to continue to live at the house, while only 89 percent graduate, get jobs, and find their own place to live.

Bachelor Star Wars Fan Plays With Toys At Parents' House

Even his mother is a little unsure of the first grader's lifestyle. "I make his meals, I do his laundry, and I kiss his boo-boos, all so he can do his Star Wars stuff," explains Mommy Sally Brendan. "He's never had a job, and he leaves messes everywhere, but Star Wars seems to be his true calling, so I guess the family is going to support him."

Despite the toll this habit has taken upon his personal life, Amos plans to continue in this cycle of boyish toy-playery. Piggy bank records show that the youngster has spent his past three allowances on Star Wars related entertainment, and his play dates have decreased dramatically due to the fact that Amos will only attend parties or gatherings with a specific Star Wars theme.

In addition, Father Nate Brendan has shown unwavering support his firstborn regardless of numerous bruised fingers and poked eyes resulting from light saber duels and Star  Fighter battles. "The rewards outweigh the pains for sure," assures Nate. "The joy it brings him to swing those hard plastic swords and throw those rigid planes truly is a gift."

At press time, Amos had no plans to move out of his parents' house. According to him, the deal is just too sweet, and he would miss his Mommy and Daddy.

Lance Armstrong Found Guilty Of Riding A Bike Well Into His 40's

Chickens Boycott Chick-Fil-A

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In response to the controversial statements from the CEO of Chick-Fil-A regarding the fact that he gives a shit what gay people do,  chickens nationwide are turning their backs on the fried food chain. Gina Benson, the head of the Union of American Chickens, gave a press conference today and explained the species' position.

"Due to the recent quotes from headquarters, we, here at the UAC, will be forced to protest Chick-Fil-A restaurants across the nation," said Benson. "We will no longer strive to give them the healthiest, tastiest carcasses and/or embryos we, as chickens, can provide. We felt fine giving our lives for their profits, but if they want to have their own opinions, and express them out loud, then that's where we draw the line. That's just unacceptable."

The birds have apparently banded together in support of equal rights, for both humans and chickens, and have given generous contributions to these causes, as well as breast and thigh cancer research. There are reported to be over 50 million chickens in America, 98 percent of whom produce both eggs and delicious white and dark meats.

If the two sides can't come to an agreement, this action could affect markets all over the United States. 93 Percent of all eggs sold come from chickens, making them the most popular layers in the country. If those eggs aren't readily available, the effects of this dispute could be felt by everyone from Shoney's buffet patrons to Easter enthusiasts to Italian Stallions in training.

Chickens protest in the streets of America

However, some of the feathered foul aren't as quick to disagree.

"I think we had a pretty good thing worked out with those Fil-A guys. They feed us and let us party for a year or so and then we get made into delicious food. It's a win win situation. Do you know how much great food I got to eat, or how many hens I got to bang?  I tell ya, it was the best year ever. I'm really gonna miss that life", lamented local frat-rooster Jeremy Reece from his single square foot cage. He is scheduled for the chopping block this weekend, unbeknownst to him, in preparation for a barbeque at the lake.

In response to the response, there have started to be grass roots  movements within the younger chicken community pleading with the uptight foul to just chill out and live life to the fullest. Lay-Ins have been staged in coops around the nation, car wash fund raisers have been thrown, and benefit concerts have been played, all showing contempt for the opinionated grown ups.

The Chicken's Union head says that this aggression will continue until the company shuts up and minds its own business, which is making sub par dry chicken sandwiches and waffle fries. Another acceptable solution would be the local news channel's future refusal to report the political and religious views of fast food jockeys. At press time, no agreement had been reached and the protests were still underway.

Chick-Fil-A Defends Lack Of Mayonnaise

Raul Kemp
Reporter

In a statement released earlier today, Chick-Fil-A Ceo Dan Cathy has come out in defense of his company's refusal to include mayonnaise on their most popular sandwich. This stance has caused quite an uproar among the fast food community, garnering loads of customer mail and viral response.

"We live in a country that allows us to put whatever we want on our sandwiches," claims Cathy. "Our company is based on family values and conservative beliefs and mayonnaise just doesn't fit in with the way we want to run our business." The corporation has long been known for their convictions, such as being closed on Sundays, and only serving special "Chick-Fil-A Delicious Sauce" on the side.

Condiment's rights activist Suni Paxton is outraged by the fast food company's outrageous position, stating that a crispy chicken sandwich is "right where mayo should be".

"You're trying to tell me that two pieces of bread, a slab of chicken, and a pickle slice constitutes a sandwich? Everyone knows that a dry sandwich is unacceptable. Don't try to push your beliefs on me. I should have every right to slather on whichever condiment I see fit," Paxton said in her own impassioned response. She has partnered with the Coalition for the Advancement of Condiments and Other  Dressings, or CACOD, to organize an nationwide strike of the once popular food chain.

"We know it may be an unpopular stance", defends Cathy, "but we feel that we have to stand behind what we believe in, and that is dry chicken."

When reached for comment, Hardees/Carl's Jr. CEO Mark Ruffeld said, "We respect everyone's right to serve or not serve whatever they like. We however believe in supporting all condiments, be they white, yellow, red, or a creamy orange mix."

At press time, Ketchup was offered for the waffle style french fries, but customers using the red sauce continue to be under close watch.

Training Wheels Come Off

Raul Kemp
Reporter

After the first dozen stages of the Tour De France, 10 year old Canadian cyclist Pierre Demit finally feels comfortable enough to take his training wheels off. Although there is no official rule against "balance enhancement accessories", or B.E.A's, the World Cycling Partnership is encouraging this move.  Most cycling experts predict this will improve his performance.

"I got my tight spandex outfit, I got my space age wind tunnel helmet, and I got my speedy sunglasses. Now without those training wheels, I'll be able to zoom right through France," commented Pierre as he inserted an ace of spades into his rear spokes. The young athlete began learning to ride his bike at the end of last summer, with all of the essential safety equipment. The training wheels were a necessity before, "but not now," exclaimed Demit, "I can do it all by myself!"

There was some concern earlier this year when Pierre had a crash, jeopardizing his chances of  competing in the 2012 tour with a severely skinned knee. The youngster was involved in a multi-bike accident in a neighborhood race and received a strawberry so big, it needed two band-aids. He admits that he's trying to be brave, even though he's a little scared.

"That man's a hero," declared local cycling enthusiast Ray Bowman. "With all he's been through, he still is able to muster up enough courage to compete in this grueling bike race. Just remarkable, really." 

After the accident, Pierre started training in his subdivision. He would ride down to the clubhouse, around the pool, and back to his house. He even trained at night after he got a headlight for his birthday. Now, after months of rehab and hard work, he feels like he's finally ready to take off the training wheels and mature into a real cyclist.

The tour is scheduled to continue on through the middle of the streets of France for another few days. Demit's B.E.A. removal leaves only 9 remaining training wheel users, all of whom are still getting the hang of riding a two wheeler. Pierre is said to be planning an ice cream party at the finish line.

Man Wants White, Gets Black (On Location)

Raul Kemp
Reporter

This happened.

Tonight I headed down to the Melrose Pool Hall to drink some beers and watch Johnny Neel and the New Situation play some songs. Every time I go to this place, I have a small gimmer of hope that I might run into local rock mega bad ass Jack White. It's well known around town that he likes to hang out at this little dive, and I'd love to ask him who the Milk Man is. I figure this may be my best chance to run into my hero, even though rock stars pop up around every corner in this town.

 During the set break, I looked over and saw a familiar face. I asked a friend, "Is that the Black Keys drummer? Or just another East Nashvillian who came across the river with his Steve Urkell glasses and his grandfather's old hat to shoot some pool in the coolest hang in all of town, East or West?" Word on the street was that they had played a show at the Springwater, the other shadiest bar in town, for a video shoot earlier today. Could it be he just needed a little bit more of the common man?  Turns out, yes, it was a Black Key, the drummer I think.

I watched him linger around and then I went back to watching the show, until the night's first call from nature came. An urgent call, one I had been avoiding for as long as I could. As I did the business in the one-seater with the door locked, I heard the line beginning to form outside and the waiters starting to get impatient. I realized this was taking an extra long time, and made a note that I would apologize to whomever was next in line for the extreme duration of my relief. As I hastily skipped the hand wash, I opened the door, and who was standing there but that really tall lanky famous Black Key. As I promised myself I would, I said to him, "Sorry dude, you just waited on the world's longest pee." He shrugged and murmured.

Fast forward, an hour. In enjoying the show thoroughly, I had procrastinated my functions to red alert once again. When I arrived at the watering hole, there was no line, but shortly thereafter, another line stander pulled on the locked door. When I finally finished, I swiftly opened the door only to find the same damned drummer standing there, leaning on one long jangly leg and biting his lip. I erupted with a "HA" and told him, "Sucks we're on the same pee schedule. I'm settin' records tonight." He chuckled, said "Yeah", and rushed inside.

Upon my subsequent return to the can, I saw my pee pal exiting, clearly relieved he had beaten me to the flush finally. We did lock eyes though, and that eye lock said it all.